Thursday, December 1, 2016

The Baby-Sitters Club's Special Christmas! (A 25 Days of Shitmas Post from The Horror Movie BBQ's Chad Young!)

ShitMas time is truly the most wonderful time of the year. I'm always challenged with the mission of finding something that I've never seen or heard of to cover and every year, I tend to top myself. I actually started planning in July when I took a fateful trip my local record store and found a true gem that I would've never even known existed.

 I shouldn't be surprised.  In the late 80s/early 90s, you couldn't walk 10 feet without hitting about 15 Christmas Specials.  I mean, you could literally plan your entire week just by looking in the TV Guide and planning on watching them. It's not shocking that so much of our generation grew up with such an affinity for these half hours of holiday joy. We were spoiled.  And at that time, I'd dare to say Babysitters Club was reaching it's peak of popularity. 


So, the gaggle of babysitting teens got their own series of straight to video adventures. I'm assuming they all involved babysitting and making a cake or asking out a boy or being grounded because mom didn't like one of the babysitters goofy Jersey-girl mall hair. They were all as generic and effortless as humanly possible. I mean, I'm only basing it off my fiance's word and watching this terrible Christmas special but I sincerely can't imagine anyone putting out so little effort into this Christmas special, a proverbial money maker just based off name value and Christmas alone, and making the rest of the movies dyanmic and leaving this in the dust. And trust me, much like every other special I've picked for ShitMas, except Garfield, it gets dusty.

It starts off dubious enough, the girls are at a shopping mall looking at cool 90s gifts to give one another for their "Secret Santa". This is supposedly the first of The Club's Christmases, so my guess is they hardly know each other at this point. I'm sure they are just buying random crap for each other and feigning interest and appreciation. 

I swear thats not TK Carter or Nancy McKeon

One girl wanders by the sporting goods area and finds herself a sweet baseball glove that she can't afford just yet. Now, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that when kids can't afford what they want, they're given the old "yeah, it's a real beauty, but it's our last one!" by the nearby employee. Like it's suddenly gonna make money appear in their pockets. Look, I work in retail, and even I don't use that line. But this guy knows his priorities so he puts it on hold for her. Not a bad guy, but my thought is he'll prolly buy it for himself, swap tags with a dolalr store glove and laugh all the way to the bank.


Not enough money in the world could cover the pain of babysitting Little Pete and The Unknown Ginger.

They get their first call for a babysitting gig.  Ahhh that sweet cash for doing little to nothing but sitting on the couch and eating the Cheetos Paws in the pantry while they lock the child in their room. Pretty sweet deal. Anyway, two of the girls get called to babysit a trio of gingers, including Little Pete himself, Danny Tamberelli, because back in the day, there were only like 4 ginger kids in Hollywood and they all got thrown together in the same projects as siblings and were the "wild kids"! Because ya know, can't control those gingers! But, it seems like one of the girls was able to keep things stable by playing the piano and singing an ear aching rendition of Jingle Bells.


Sure, yeah, why not. Not like you wanted to enjoy the holidays or anything...

All's going well and good until it's snack time.  One of the girls (look, I did not go to any length to remember any of these names) apparently has diabetes and decides to start munching down on sweets. Her friend, asks why she's eating a cookie. Look, I'm not saying she's a bad friend, but she seems *kinda* concerned but not really enough to really be alarmed. It's more of "Oh don't....don't do that!". I think she's just daring her to eat it so she can claim all the cash.


Ned, shown actual size.

So, across town at the local hospital, the girls decide to decorate a tree for kids. A noble use of their time, I can respect that. This definitely scores them some extra points with Santa. Unless these girls are just a-holes and decided to trick all the kids in the hospital that Christmas is coming up, when it's really two weeks into January or something. I don't know. I don't trust these damn babysitters at this point. Until Glove Girl meets a kid in a wheelchair named Ned. Ned may be the biggest whiner and downer I've ever seen since WWE's Seth Rollins. He's moping around because he was playing baseball and got injured.  Which serves him right. Playing baseball in the snow. tisk tisk, Ned. You get what you deserve. So Ned tells Glove Girl all about how he wants the same glove she wants and...


Look, you know what's gonna happen. Even if you watch this thing out of irony...you KNOW what's gonna go down. Glove Girl gives Ned The Nerd the glove she wanted in an unselfish act. Everyone "Awwwwws" and Glove Girl takes a leap off a bridge because she gave up the one item she wanted. Let this be a lesson. Never do anything nice.
It's like someone just shat on a plate and sprinkled Jimmies all over them.

"Allright, girls, pretend like we actually want to be around each other..."

So, celebrating their good deeds by hosting their Secret Santa at the local diner, the girls are scarfing down brownies. I think. They all look like giant turds. So maybe it was turds they were eating. Which seems fair, because after this crap, I felt like I ate a turd. So while the other girls are eating fattening turd-brownies (totally trademarking that), Diabetes Debbie eats some too and then complains she's dehydrated. The girls don't *really* try to stop her from eating as much as they just kinda question her. Which, ya know, is kinda weird. All these girls seem like they only want to be friends with each other in order to make money. And you know...that's not a real friend. Or maybe it is. Maybe they're all just smart. Somewhere, these girls are multi billionares and totally forgot their "friends" names while wiping their asses with hundred dollar bills.

Note the sadness of the one on the left. She has no chance of being on the cover of the books.

FLATLINERS 2: STARRING...WHATEVER HER NAME IS.


So we've reached our climax. Finally. After 20 of the most laborious minutes of my life, the hospital Christmas celebration has commenced. BUT WAIT! Wilford Brimley Girl isn't present and the thought is she's on her way.  The egg on their face when they realize, she's not just coming to the hospital to celebrate Christmas but now, since her "friends" never stopped her from eating crappy sugar food, so now she's a patient. Way to go girls. Your job is not just babysit annoying children but to look after each other. SO YOU FAILED. GOOD DAY SIR. 'Betes Bettie reveals it was her doing and she's learned a valuable lesson. An the girls plot her doom. Valentines Day is less than two months away and there sure is a lot of candy available. Enjoy that Snickers Heart...MWAHAHAHA!

All's well ends well...I mean, it's officially over...

Much like Mrs Garret and her girls from The Facts of Life, the BSC all come together in the end, sing a song, play a piano and go to credits. Which is great because I was ready to put a bullet through my tv if I had to hear any more singing or corny one liners written by some  45 year old man in Burbank.

I assume this group of babysitters are never heard from again. Or at least that's my hope. The fact is, the girls' further adventures were chronicled in more books and videos and even a movie in 1995. In all seriousness, I am surprised this hasn't been brought back in a tv series or a new movie. I feel like, as much as I haven't heard it being brought up other in nostalgic discussions, it could be a fun property or concept to be brought back. But then again, maybe someone saw this 30 minute car wreck and decided it's best to leave it alone. 

Happy Shitmas, everyone, let the games BEGIN!


- Chad

PS-I already got 2017 planned. And you can thank/blame/curse Mr. ShitMovieFest himself for suggesting it...see you in 365!

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