Friday, December 23, 2016

Frosty The Snowman (A 25 Days of Shitmas Post from Icon vs. Icon's Dolores Price)

1969. Led Zeppelin’s first album was released. Astronauts Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong walked on the moon - because aliens totally did it before but whatever, right? Go human race! Children’s Television Workshop introduced “Sesame Street.” Four epic days of rain, sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll were held outside of Woodstock, N.Y. Mario Puzo published “The Godfather” while Kurt Vonnegut published “Slaughterhouse-Five.” Epic year, right? The epicness went into overdrive with the release of the beloved Christmas classic “Frosty The Snowman.”

The animated television special was the brainchild of Gene Autry, who wrote the song, in addition to “Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer” and “Here Comes Santa Claus.” Could you imagine an Expendables version of Christmas with Rudolph and Frosty kicking major ass? Yeah. Bitchin’.
Anyway, the film starts with this big-nosed ass telling us what’s what. Apparently the first snow of the winter season is magical and if it’s on Christmas Eve, well it’s like “Practical Magic” epicness.
There’s an elementary school with random kids stuck there on Christmas Eve. Who has school on Christmas Eve? At any rate, we are introduced to Professor Hinkle, a shity magician. He’s the professor of suck. He has a rabbit with bloodshot eyes and isn’t good at his job. The kids are unimpressed and soon sent out to the schoolyard without hats and coats to run off their despair. They build a snowman and Shitty Magician Hinkle’s hat turns it real - cue Frosty, who proclaims, “Happy Birthday!” because … it’s his birthday?

Obviously, Hinkle wants that fancy hat back because it’s red hot magic and a ticket to billions. Too bad his pet rabbit doesn’t want him to have it so Frosty gets it back. However, Frosty is worried. Yes, he’s a formerly non-functioning creature brought to life who isn’t the brightest crayon in the box. But he has feelings. He worries. He’s somebody! He sees this crazy thermometer go from freezing to blazing in seconds and he’s alarmed! If he melts he will get “wishy washy,” which is a nice way of saying dead as a doornail.

So, only one of the kids does something. Her name is Karen. I guess the other kids had things to do. Anyway, she takes Frosty to the train station with that red-eyed rabbit so he can get to the North Pole where it’s cold as shit year-round. Cold = Frosty not dying. They scurry through town frightening a police officer directing traffic who chokes on his whistle. Did he die? Then they get to the train station who happens to have a way for them to go to the North Pole for the one time price of $3,000.04. Hot damn. This is 1969 so I Googled it. I went to this CNN Money page where you can use a calculator to determine the amount today. This amount in 1969 is $19,104 today. WTF That’s some coin, especially for some wimpy cartoon chick named Karen and an anthropomorphic snowman.

Anyway, the ticketmaster says, “No money. No ticket.” These are words to live by, are they not?! The weed-eyed rabbit and Karen are like, “This ain’t gonna stop us!” They have Frosty hitch a train like a hobo and it’s all good if Karen is home before dinner because her mom is laissez-faire parenting - a free-ranger of sorts.
So, they’re cruising but this crazy magician found them because of course he did! He hitches a ride by grasping underneath the railcar because he’s hot on that magic hat trail. Too bad Karen’s really cold. She’s so cold she’s sneezing. Oh the despair! So, they get off at the next stop, forcing Hinkle to jump off, bouncing off frozen rocks and trees. I never understood that in cartoons - he’s the Terminator! Snow and icicles fall on his head but he’s good!

So, brainiac Frosty ditches the refrigerator car for the windy, frozen tundra. The red-eyed rabbit is freezing but we only care about Karen because she is a young cartoon child. Luckily they come upon more magic in the form of woodland animals decorating for Christmas Eve. These animals live in the forest, know about Santa, how to decorate, can speak to rabbits and build fires! Now that’s some magical shit!

So, our crew needs help and instead of the Marines or the president they want Santa Claus. Santa is all powerful! So, Frosty and Hinkle eventually meet again because of course they do. Hinkle is gonna murder Frosty for his magical hat. Despicable.
Oh shit, here comes Santa Claus and he’s bald! Bald yet he speaks fluent rabbit, so there’s that. I contemplated not spoiling this film but I’m definitely going to spoil the fuck out of it. So, Frosty dies in this poinsettia greenhouse and it’s fucked up to see him as a puddle. There’s a sad retrospective song when he “dies” and it’s over the course of the 20-minute long film thus far - so many emotions were emoted.

However, don’t you fear because Christmas snow can never disappear! Menacing yet nice. I guess. I don’t know. Anyway, Karen has no friends only Frosty, which is pathetic. Hinkle tries to flex nuts on Santa but it’s Santa! However, it is disconcerting Hinkle is 40+ but is a Peter Pan motherfucker still getting gifts from Santa to the point where it carries weight against a magic hat. Now, that’s some Christmas shit.
Anyway, evil magician Hinkle is gonna go home and say he’s sorry to Frosty 100 zillion times before morning. That’s a lot of times. The end. Jesus is the reason for the season.

- Dolores Price

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