Sunday, December 25, 2016

Cobra (A 25 Days of Shitmas Post from Icon vs. Icon's Steve Johnson)

Steve Johnson - Icon vs. Icon

Well here we all are, gathered under the Shitmas tree to talk about some of our favorite holiday films. In the past I have spun yarns about John McClane and his exploits at Nakatomi and Dulles Tower. I even went as far as telling tales of Martin Riggs, Roger Murtaugh, and Matt Hunter. That being said, I know you are clamoring with excitement for one more story of 1980’s style justice. Well boy do I have one for you... Grab your spirit of choice, get comfortable, and have a listen to my tale of Marion “Cobra” Cobretti.

Our story begins with a shot of our titular hero’s silhouette riding a motorcycle against a deep red background. Beautiful. Just fucking beautiful. Of course that shit gets interrupted pretty quickly by the assholes of the film. A big ole’ group of jackasses clanging axes together in a circle. There’s an obvious joke here, but I am going to let that go for now. Look at me taking the high road. Don’t get used to that shit. These guys are being led by none other than the night slasher, played by 80’s badass Brian Thompson. The dude is a damn specimen. More on him later… 

It doesn’t take long for Cobra to get mixed up in some hijinks. A shotgun toting tool enters a grocery store during the Christmas season and starts shooting up the place. Told you it was a Christmas movie. Moving on... This guy does more damage to the goddamn produce than he does to any of his hostages. Well except for the guy in the hat who didn’t run fast enough. Sorry bro... After wasting the guy, mr. shotgun cocks his weapon about a hundred fucking times for no reason. While this asshat is busy dicking around with his weapon, Cobra makes his way into the store and then proceeds to spend a few minutes screwing with this guy. He even takes time to take a sip of that sweet Coors beer. Simply badass... Eventually Cobra gets tired of this dirtbag and offs him by first throwing a knife into his chest and then shooting him a dozen times. Considered that disease cured.

After a hard afternoon of saving the day, Cobretti retires to his humble abode to get some much needed rest. How does a badass rest? He eats pizza by cutting it in half with scissors, while cleaning his gun and watching the news. We are then abruptly shown just how nasty the night slasher and his crew can be. This guy and his jolly bunch of assholes straight up just attack people in their cars and cut them up. Shortly thereafter a debate breaks out amongst the detectives on the case on whether or not Cobretti should be involved. Now is the time I get to talk a bit about Andrew Robinson and his portrayal of Detective Monte. This dude is one of the bitchiest cops in cinematic history. All he does is complain about Cobra and his methods. Stop being a pussy Monte, Cobra doesn’t like your bullshit rules.

Back to the night slasher. He’s out doing his thing and this time he gets spotted by Ingrid Knudsen portrayed by none other that Brigitte Nielsen. Jesus was she hot in this film… I mean the things I would… Sorry about that, back to the story. Cobra finally gets the go ahead to shakedown as many people as he needs to in order to take the night slasher down. Here’s where we get our montage of the film and boy is it a good one. You get shots of Cobra walking the streets, the night slasher being a psychotic stud, Ingrid modeling, closeups of eyes, and a great 80’s jam. Fan-fucking-tastic!

Now is the point in the story where shit really hits the fan. It turns out the old night slasher has some friends on the police force and he has obtained Ingrid’s location. After fighting off the advances of her photographer, Ingrid is quickly fighting for her life. While she barely escapes, the same can’t be said for the cop on duty in the building. That dude gets absolutely destroyed by the slasher’s van. Damn I love Cannon films! Ingrid finds her way to the hospital and Cobretti is there with questions. When Cobra realizes he has his witness, an artist is brought in to draw a composite sketch. This sketch is by far one of the worse drawings of a human being’s face I have ever seen. How the hell this guy still has a job, I don’t know… Moving on… 

It is determined that once Ingrid gets out of the hospital, she will be moved into a safe house until this maniac is caught. Turns out the night slasher has plans of his own. By dying his hair and making himself look a little less like a raving psycho, he infiltrates the hospital’s protection of Ingrid. Of course he has to slash an employee before getting to her. He just needed those glasses to complete his ensemble. These idiots simultaneously go after Cobra in his own damn apartment. Big mistake… Cobra takes those guys out with the quickness and returns to the hospital just in time to save Ingrid from certain death. Unfortunately the night slasher slips out just as easily as he slipped in.

The plan for the safe house is still on, but Cobra first takes a good tongue lashing from the higher ups concerning his bad attitude and lack of cooperation. Turns out they wanted that terrible composite drawing of the killer. Christ, I’m not sure what use to them it would be, but more power to them. Good luck with tracking a guy down when the drawing looks like a 3rd grader drew a picture of lurch. After his superiors are done giving him shit, Cobra quickly tries to get Ingrid the hell outta town. Right on cue, the slasher shows up and starts wreaking havoc throughout the streets. We’re talking epic car chase territory. Cars get blown up and make incredible jumps. This shit is epic. Unfortunately our handsome hero does lose his badass car in the fray. It’s a damn shame too. That car was badass.

We quickly get whisked away back to police headquarters were Cobretti continues to get shit from the higher ups. Hey guys, this psycho gets shit done while you all sit on your asses bitching. Cut the bullshit and let the man do his job. Cobra blows this shit off and heads out into the country to hide Ingrid away from the slasher and his group of axe clanging dickheads. Of course they are right behind them thanks to their inside source, who is the officer assigned to help protect their witness. Traitorous bitch! Anyway, Cobra eventually sniffs out this rat and prepares for war. By preparing for war, I mean he constructs his own uzi complete with a red dot laser sight and lays out his collection of hand grenades. You have to love an affinity toward the use of hand grenades. He eventually puts his macho shit aside for a few minutes to make out with Ingrid. Way to go Cobretti. Getting shit done on the streets and the bed. You have to admire his work ethic.

All seems fine the following morning, but that quickly comes to a screeching halt. A gang of god knows how many bad guys invades this sleepy little town to off Ingrid and Cobra once and for all. No dice guys… They apparently didn’t do their homework on their opponent. All of these assholes meet the business end of Cobra’s uzi and hand grenades. Cobra kills everything that fucking moves and there is a lot moving. I can’t help but wonder what the total body count was. It’s got to be in Commando territory. All of this commotion leads up to the final battle between the night slasher and Cobra in the factory from Robocop. Seriously, this has to be the factory from Robocop. Turns out the night slasher isn’t so tough. After what seems like forever struggling over a knife, Cobra impales the bastard on a giant hook and sends him to a death by fire. What a great way to send that piece of shit off. Well done Cobra… Well done… So what does a hero do after he kills the bad guy? He punches Detective Monte in the face and rolls off on a bike with the girl. I think I’m in love…

You cannot go wrong by adding this to your yearly Christmas viewing list. Cobra is pure unadulterated fun. It’s got action, hot women, uzis, and hand grenades. What more could you want? I must depart now so I can finish assembling a few weapons while eating pizza with scissors. I hope you’ve enjoyed my little contribution to this year's festivities. I wish you and yours a Merry Shitmas and a Happy New Year!

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