Whenever I pick a subject for ShitMas, I try to keep it simple. Something that most likely everyone has seen and remembers. Failing that, something no one wants to see or ever remember(see: "A Christmas Story 2"). So this year's subject may fall into both column A and Column B only because when you discuss the magic known as the Super Mario Brothers Super Show, I'm not sure what the general consensus will be outside of "oh man! I used to watch that before school all the time!". While that is a fun reason to revisit these things, most of them just simply don't hold up or are just downright terrible. And today it's my sad duty to prove to you that not even the panache of Captain Lou Albano can save Christmas from Koopa and the kid from Family Ties.
Naw, naw. The other one.
Yeah, that's him.
Well, the episode starts where Brian Bosnal sneaks into Mario's home. At first, Mario starts grilling him about his reason for breaking into the house of a bunch of 50 year old plumbers to which the youngster replies he's selling something. Seeing right through his crap, Mario starts putting him in a sleeper hold and an airplane spin. Well, ok, no. That's what I wanted to happen. What happened isn't as funny. He just starts grilling him and finally Brian explains he's running away from home. To be fair, I'd be running away from home if I had that terrible yellow shirt too.
Unimpressed with Brian's decision, Mario and Luigi sit the brat down for a boring story of how Mario tried to run away from home when he was a young sitcom stereotype in a flashback that doesn't use child actors to potray our heroes, but the adult actors themselves in high water shorts and propeller beanies. So after boring Brian with some story about how Mario felt neglected and offering him terrible leftover pizza that was left behind a radiator, Brian finally decides to go home to his family who probably misses him, but most likely not.
Oh, right! There was also a cartoon in addition to this terrible forced life lesson. Apparently, the Mario's were out on Christmas holiday in some desert warp zone. Which if you ask me, makes sense. New York gets cold in the winter, who wouldn't want a warm, relaxing environment to celebrate. Mario's a hard working guy, can't blame him.
That's where the fun sadly ends for our Italian heroes. We discover that Koopa arrived to the North Pole first and began threatening to ensure everyone will have a very unmerry Christmas. "Bah HumKoop!" the Grinchish dickhead exclaims. What can you say? he's a clever guy. More on this in a moment.
Back to the Mario Crew. Instead of heading to Hawaii as hoped, Toad screws up the destination and sends everyone down the wrong warp zone to the North Pole. He plans this mixup mainly so he can get close ol' Saint Nick, because he's a selfish prick who wants presents on a day that should be spent with close friends and family.
Finally, after dealing with enough crap from Toad, Princess Peach reveals that all this time, she had a present for him. Hmmm...looks like Toad's plan is working. Gotta hand it to him, he's one clever little fungus. And what was it that he received?
Well, it is a rather impressive snowboard, by 1990 standards. I'll give him this, I'd be flipping my shit too if I had received a top of the line snowboard that year.
Back to Koopa, who's kidnapped Santa and causes wackiness all around while Mario and his band of merry misfits try to rescue Santa. Eventually through unconventional wisdom and stupid ideas, they stop him but not before Koopa introduces his next best minions: The Koopa Flurries. Holy crap, these guys rule. They just skate around and build ice blocks. But check them out!
So, after a very effortless battle, Santa is saved but not in time to save Christmas. But hey, Toad got his stupid snowboard and boasts about it. Yes, an annoying little mushroom's dream came true, so I'm sure the rest of the world will be ok with this. However, when the Mario clan is eating him on a pizza, then the world can truly celebrate...
Finally, it hits him to offer his snowboard to Santa and deliver it to someone somehow. Santa cries and becomes full of the Christmas spirit and unfreezes all the presents. Back at the workshop, Santa asks the gang to help deliver presents and makes Toad his second in command during the big delivery.
All is saved, then there's a Zelda cartoon, but I gotta be honest here. I never could stand Zelda. And on top of that, I spent a lot of energy trying not to punch the wall after hearing Toad's voice, so any patience for Link and his goofy hairdo was just not there. Sorry guys. Only so much that even I can take.
Anyway, a very Happy Shitmas to all! Major thanks to Thomas Bryce for letting me do this again! I can't wait to see the rest of the amazing entries for ShitMas that are going to follow!
-Chad E. Young