Friday, December 25, 2015

Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas (A 25 Days of Shitmas Post) by Thomas Coombs Jr.


Hey everybody, it's that time of year again, and today I'll be giving you my contribution to 25 days of Shitmas with a movie starring everybody's favorite 80's teen star Kirk Cameron! Before we get started this is a Christian movie and I am a Christian. Sometimes I am ashamed, I'm not ashamed to be a Christian, I am ashamed of other Christians. Whether if be through bigotry, hypocrisy, citing Bible verses to provide reason for hatred or making shitty, shitty movies. Guess which category this falls into.

So, sit back and relax and enjoy my play-by-play of Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas. (FYI: there's an African American in this movie who's job I'm pretty sure is to just be the "Black Guy", so, I'll be referring to him as such) Also, be warned, this movie was very boring and uneventful, so, this live reading may be pretty boring.

Great.

0:00 Samuel Goldwyn? They're actually a legit film studio, maybe ol' Kirk is bringing us a quality film.

0:24 Liberty University...ahhh, shit.

0:30 We open with Kirk by a fireside telling us everything he loves about Christmas (fire, music, spirit, fudge, etc.) and how people want to be more kind to one another...I think I'll bite my tongue for now. He's really making a point to try and sell the fact that everybody is nice to each other during Christmas(13 years in retail has proven that is a lie.) As he's done his little monologue he stares creepily in the camera and lifts his mug declaring his love for hot chocolate.

02:00 Uh-oh, as Kirk explains there are some who don't want us to love Christmas so much! He's most likely talking about the easily irritable.

03:06 I'm pretty sure the hot chocolate mug is empty...

04:00 Kirk explains that somebody like Santa is "maybe on the team" to which I have no idea.

04:20 There's a 4th Studio producing this, the logo just showed up now , why they had to wait until after Kirk was finished explaining how much he wanted to dry hump his Christmas tree is anyone's guess.

04:40 I think we're in Bible Times now, with some peasant girl. She's talking to some guy who may be Jesus, although she told him there's someone at the tavern, maybe we aren't...the guy is wearing a cross and it's snowing. It's safe to say he's not Jesus.

06:47 We're now in present time and a man is throwing open his front doors...into the opening credits with a ska version of Silent Night.

08:48 We come in fresh off the ska credits to a party at Kirk's sister's(NOT Candace) house. Kirk is enjoying the party, his sister looks miserable(although she may have resting bitch face)

09:00 As Kirk's sister explains how the Santa they hired for the party is their unemployed Uncle Bill, you can tell she's not the best thespian in this family.

10:01: Kirk asks how her husband "Christian" is. She says great, then with her back to the camera, mutters "I don't know, he's just not into Christmas this year", I wonder if the director said "Screw it, that's good enough" alot during the making of this film. Kirk ponders this for a second, then proceeds to yell "Who wants hot chocolate?!" nice to see you have your priorities straight KC.

10:33 There are alot of ugly kids at this party.

11:04 We're introduced to sad sack Christian(who threw open the doors at the beginning) and he's staring at some little girl dancing slowly with dramatic music playing. Not joking. Christian looks pretty pissed off.

12:25 They show two more girls dancing slowly...what the hell, Kirk?

12:37 The black guy comes up calls Christian "My man!" and starts a monologue about wacky shirts, how he's feeling the holy ghost and how he's been twice baptized, because.


You should've just gotten C. Thomas Howell and put him in blackface.

12:40 The black guy's name is "Deandre" because, why not?

13:35 During the black guy's shitty wacky shirt monologue he actually said the words "Straight power"...and I thought a Madea Christmas was bad with it's cancer jokes.

13:55 The sound department cut out his talking and replaced it with ska music. Not joking.

14:30 This scene is still going on.

14:50 Kirk starts to search for Christian, Kirk finds him in the driveway, in the car. Kirk's narration implies that this is now a true event, not a story, asking us how we would write it. Dear God, this movie is horrible.(By the way, 80% of this movie takes place in this car).


Buckle your seatbelts, this ride might not be fast, but trust me, it's LONG.

16:30 Christian is trying to tell a serious story and making stupid faces...I wanna punch him in his horrible looking face.

17:40 Christian explains that instead of money for gifts they could be spending it on feeding kids and digging wells...I assume in other countries.

19:10 He's been going on for the past minute about snowglobes and trying to explain that Jesus wasn't born in December and there was no snow in his place of birth...were the screenwriters serious?

There is nothing but desert in most of the countries in this photo by the way.

19:35 Kirk tells his brother that he's wrong about everything and he "Drank the kool-aid" when it comes to the commercialization, interesting angle.

21:32 I can't imagine that the only nativity this guy has is inside of a snowglobe. But, Kirk is telling us to imagine snowglobes.

22:23 We're in a cave now and Kirk is telling us that Jesus was born in a cave and everything we know about the first Christmas is wrong, because he was there.

23:34 We're now treated to silhouettes in flames of Roman soldiers killing babies...Merry Christmas.

24:16 They take away Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus ad leave the swaddling cloth, because that's the most important part of the story.

24:40 Kirk is now monologuing about swaddling cloth.

25:45 Kirk is still talking about cloth and explaining how the nativity scene could double as a funeral because the three wise men brought burial spices to the birth.

26:04 We're still in this empty cave and with the way the light is coming in, I'm reminded of the Titty Twister from the end of From Dusk, Til' Dawn.

26:50 We're back in the car and I notice that the brother in law(Christian) is taking long pauses between sentences as is Kirk, this feels like filler.

27:20 Christian suggests he adds Herod's soldiers to the nativity scene, to remind people of baby killing, I guess?(FYI Christian is played by music video director and director of this movie Darren Doane)

27:25 We're back inside at the party, the black guy sits next to some guy(Christian rapper Shames Worthy) and starts talking about losing wacky shirts again, but this guy says, it's no laughing matter...

28:02 The white guy in this scene says that the reasoning behind it is the "War on Christmas" and he thinks somebody might be listening or watching them.

28:19 The only way for them to talk is to hold the mugs in front of their mouths, as their cups go up, instead of using voices on location, it's like a voiceover now and this monologue is batshit crazy. I had to turn the subtitles on to type it word for word: A'ight man, check this out. We got to go on the offensive. It's like the rapper, Sugar Free(Most likely referring to Suga Free but the subtitle said Sugar) said "If you stay ready, you ain't got to get ready." They're already taking away our freedom of speech. I can't say Merry Christmas at work no more, I have to say Happy Holidays, but I am not in a daze, I am wide awake. It's deeper than that, though. You heard about Area 51? What about Area 52?That's where they keeping all the mangers and trees and Nativity scenes they keep taking down. Speaking of down, you know why the Pope really stepped down? Da Vinci Code, right? Wrong. There's a whole Picasso code. I'm actually still working on that one. Come on, man, they got fluoride in our water. I'm saying, that's gotta cause at least Asperger's. Speaking of burgers, you probably ain't even had one in years. That ain't no ground beef, homie. That's pink slime. I seen it on YouTube. Look it up. You know what you got to do? Get like me and wifey, strictly ostrich and emu meat, homie. Delicious and exotic. Come on, you got the chemtrails and HAARP trying to control the weather with the womp, womp, womp, sounds. GMO's and pesticides. You know there's a huge honey bee shortage, right? Exactly. Colony collapse disorder. Ah, that rhymes with new world order. Coincidence? I thinks not. I saw "Loose Change" I know what's up with the whole Koch brothers, Halliburton, Dick Cheney, Enron, Fannie Mac, Freddie Mae tie-in. But I mean, that's obvious. Look, man, I saw it on Fox News, so you know it's true. War on Christmas, it's everywhere.

 
More like, "War on rational thinking".

29:45 I'm not sure if that monologue was playing for laughs or not, bringing up the 9/11 documentary Loose Change was the right thing to do, and talking about Fox News is an odd play. Cameron appears on there alot to disprove evolution or speak whatever his crazy Goddamn mind has to say.

29:54 Creepy music box music is playing and the conspiracy guy says to the black guy "We gotta do the only thing we can do." and it cuts back to Kirk and Christian.

30:04 After a long pause Christian just says "Christmas tree. NEWS FLASH! Christmas tree, not in the Bible! Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Deuteronomy, did I miss it? I miss Leviticus sometimes. But, I'm pretty sure it's not in there." Hey dipshit, aside from the birth of Christ, Christmas isn't in there.

30:53 I'm only a half hour in, this is the longest movie ever.

31:46 Christian isn't too happy with a pagan symbol in his house, referring to the tree. Who knew the guy who directed Blink 182's "Dammit" video would be so dense?

32:50 SO MUCH of the dialogue in this film just feels like filler.

33:10 Kirk refers the Garden of Eden to a Christmas tree lot. So, Christmas trees are in the bible. That seems like a big stretch.

35:01 "Last I checked, it was God who made the Winter Solstice, when he set the planets on their path around the sun. And it's quite fitting we celebrate the birth of Jesus in the bleak, mid-winter when the world appears to be sleeping and dying, the darkest and coldest time of year." Go soak your head Kirk, there are other Christian parts of the world that aren't so cold in Winter.

36:42 Kirk explains that the cross was the first Christmas tree, and starts talking about swaddling cloth again. I really wanna know how he got from point A(Jesus) to point B(Christmas Tree)

39:01 Christian is talking about how Santa isn't in the Bible and that Santa has obliterated Jesus. One of his quotes is "I'm safe on saying there is no Santa Claus in the Bible" who was this movie made for? Also, there was a 3 seconds between the words "that's" and "obliterated".

40:29 We've made a breakthrough here, as it turns out Santa and Satan have the same letters. Thought you could slide that one past us, huh St. Nick? The only thing I'm sure of with rearranging letters, is that Alec Guiness has genuine class.

40:47 "Where's 'ho ho ho ho' in the Bible?"

"I'm a mur-diddily-urderer!"

41:20 Now he's saying that this is a hijacking of Christmas and Santa took it. He makes sure to repeat this line to ensure the movie reaches the 80 minute mark.

41:52 He's now saying he's trying to imagine Santa and he can see his face...and holy shit.

It keeps cutting to this picture off and on for about 30 seconds

42:30 Kirk is now gonna tell us that Santa was a bad dude, bad enough to save the President? Probably not.
Then it's this for another minute. No joke, I've been pausing this to take screenshots, I could've just taken this picture without pausing the movie.

43:31 Kirk says to learn about how Santa used to be, it's going to get a bit "Lord of the Rings-y" please Kirk, if I were to compare this to one of the recent movies based off of Tolkien's works, it'd be the Hobbit.

43:40 So, apparently the guy from the very beginning of the movie wasn't Jesus, but the first St. Nick. The guy they have playing him looks like he should be fronting a Soundgarden cover band.

44:20 According to the book of Kirk, St. Nick was known as "Nicholas" in what is now known as Turkey, and left a bunch of wealth when his parents died and he used it to help those in need. Like Batman, the music is kind of Batman-y now also.

45:10 Please Kirk, just shut up.

45:24 They show him heading to a tavern and the tavern looks like a sitcom establishing shot.

Cue the sax music!

46:17 The heretic in this scene was the "Area 52/Loose Change" Conspiracy theorist from the earlier scene, and it looks like Santa has had enough of his shenanigans.

 
Looks like if you got ready, you wouldn't have to be ready.

47:16 And now St. Nick is beating the ever-loving shit out of the heretic, while legitimately scary music plays, maybe because he goes to the "Believe what I believe or I'll hurt you school" or maybe he's had enough conspiracy theories for one film.

Times are gone for honest men, indeed.

48:18 Apparently word spread about what he did at the tavern and he became a legend and "Everyone wanted a piece of him". Speaking of tavern, I wish I had a drink.

48:37 The music just became joyous and he says "Let's go bless some kids tonight, we've got gifts to give. Ho, ho, ho, ho." Dear lord this acting is horrible.

 
His acting is most likely as bad as his stench.

49:02 It's back to the closeup creepy Uncle Santa again...for only 13 seconds this time.

49:27 Upon hearing that St. Nick beat people for having different beliefs, Christian realizes "Santa...is the man!" I realize I still have a half hour left.

50:01 By the way, I don't know how many times Kirk has said to Christian "I know you love my sister" and I don't know how many times Christian has taken long pauses between words. So much of this movie's dialogue feels like "We don't have enough to fill 80 minutes...just take long pauses and say random stuff"

50:32 Sorry if this seems a bit boring, but, most of this movie is just Kirk and Christian sitting in a car, saying random shit. I also notice that Christian looks a bit like Jared from Subway with a beat up face and a goatee. That makes the scene of him watching the little girls dancing earlier even creepier.

50:46 Christian realizes he's been a jerk in this story and needs Kirk to cover for him. Christian tells Kirk to LIE to everyone and say that Christian drank some eggnog and was allergic, so he had to get an eggnog shot.

53:21 Christian bursts open the front doors to his house and everybody looks at him, the black guy says "Looks like somebody's having a moment" Christian runs and slides headfirst into the presents, like Pete Rose...in slow motion.

Not joking.

54:31 Black guy says "Work holy spirit, can I get a Amen?!" I'm speechless.

54:41 It's just been showing Christian laying on the ground looking at the tree.

55:05 Kirk says that when you look at the presents how they resemble a city skyline. Kirk says to imagine the new Jerusalem(The city near the end of the book of Revelation after Christ defeats Satan).

With plenty of low income office space.

55:54 Meanwhile Kirk's sister has been SLOWLY making her way to the living room from the kitchen. Which is only one room over.

57:02 Christian makes a run for Santa and jumps onto his lap.

Cannonball!

57:10 Cut to a montage of all the guests taking their picture with Christian and Uncle Santa, while rockin bagpipe music plays.

The fact he looks like Jared from Subway with a goatee makes this pic even creepier.

57:25 The wife is STILL moving from the kitchen.

58:24 There is literally nothing happening here. He's just staring at a snowglobe, it seems like everything is wrapped up and there's still 20 minutes to go...also, Kirk's sister kind of looks like she could also be Palpatine's sister.

''Good, good, you see the War on Christmas has transpired according to my will."

59:25 Christian puts a nutcracker next to the snowglobe, to signify the soldiers who murdered all the babies. Kirk says every toy soldier could be a reminder of that...way to bring down my GI Joe love, Kirk.

60:34 Christian slo-mo walks over to his wife and says he's been a jerk.

61:20 Dialogue as follows:

Christian: "This Christmas, I want to give you something, I've been wanting to give you for a looong time.

Wife: "What do you got in mind big papa?"

Kirk(Narrating):"Now, what happens in most stories at this point?"

Oh, Kirk, I don't think you want our input on this.

61:49 It turns out Christian organized a hip hop dance crew that encompasses all the joy in gospel. To express his feelings. I guess we know why the black guy was invited.

62:21 Cut to white people dancing to a rock-remix of "Angels we have heard on high" What the actual hell?!

Of course the black guy looks pissed, they have no rhythm.

62:58 I think one of the dancers might be gay, better not tell Kirk!

64:28 Part of this remix includes this words "Put your wings in the air, flap them like you just don't care" I think I hate music now.

64:37 Christian is doing some super white breakdancing. He tells his wife to come over, she comes over, removes her heels. He's got a good 2 feet on her. I'm pretty sure the way their dancing could be considered a hate crime.

65:32 The conspiracy theorist/heretic is dancing now! Watching him dance makes me wish St. Nick was at this party also! So he could bash his skull in!

65:58 Kirk has joined in on the "fun", he's doing the worm...Kirl Cameron is doing the worm.

I like to think God picked him up and threw him at the floor, like a dart.

66:41 The dancing is over with Kirk shouting out "Let's feast!" hey, asshole, last time I checked, this was neither your house, nor your party.

67:01 Some old guy says "Well, that's why I show up to these parties" why? Because it looks like you weren't at an angle where you could see any of the action.

67:33 Kirk is telling us to put out all the food, so you can feast. They're having both ham AND turkey.

68:15 Kirk says we should buy material gifts, because Christmas is a time when God took on a material body...Kirk may be the most materialistic Christian since Mother Superior in Silent Night, Deadly Night.

69:32 How can Kirk be giving a closing monologue that leads into the credits with 10 minutes left?

70:39 Oh, great, bloopers.

71:10 They're pretty much the black guy running his mouth.

73:19 One of them is Darren Doane(Christian/The Director) telling Kirk to puff up his sweater dust...this guy seems like a real dick.

76:53 Conspiracy theorist and the black guy are beatboxing and saying "Kirk Cameron"

Well, this movie was a bad idea. For starters, it took me three nights to get through this. No joke, this movie is 80 minutes. This is a LONG 80 minutes, Most of the movie is as follows: Christian brings up a point(Santa/Christmas tree not in the Bible), Kirk links it to Jesus in a Jeff Goldblum-type way(IE: We took fruit off the tree in the Garden of Eden, we needed to put the fruit back on, Jesus was our fruit and the cross was the tree, hence, the cross was the first Christmas tree)Then Christian would say "I never saw (blank) like that" rinse and repeat...also Christian has a lot of pauses to try and stretch the time. Also, NOTHING HAPPENS in the movie, look at the poster!

(Saving Christmas Theatrical poster)

Last Christian Hero!

This movie received a 0% on Rotten Tomatos, to which Kirk Cameron said: "Help me storm the gates of Rotten Tomatoes! All of you who love Saving Christmas - go rate it at Rotten Tomatoes right now and send the message to all the critics that WE decide what movies we want our families to see! If 2,000 of you (out of almost 2 million on this page) take a minute to rate Saving Christmas, it will give the film a huge boost and more will see it as a result! Thank you for all your help and support in putting the joy of Christ back in Christmas!" So, you wanted to cheat RT and assumed if it had a 10% "Rotten" score, more people would see it? There has been many a Christian film released over the past few years, such as Fireproof, God's Not Dead, War Room, Do You Believe, Faith of our Fathers, When the Game Stands Tall, Little Boy, The Identical and many, MANY more. Out of the ones I've seen, these movies won't be converting anyone, hell, with a tagline like "Keep Christ in Christmas" they won't really be coming in droves. This one seems like it was made to be "Hey, it's ok to be materialistic, please celebrate Christmas!" Although it had a few decent reviews:

Ben Carson: "A wonderful defense of the Christmas tradition" Defending this movie may cost you the election Doctor(This is now the craziest thing he's ever said)

Phil Robinson: "It will change the way you think." I guess if I thought the way he did, I'd view people who say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" as bad as people who practice beastiliaty.

I once watched the Oogieloves on a dare, I paid money to watch A Madea Christmas and Grown Ups, I'd rather be watching one of those, hell, there are so many better "Bad" movies, I'd rather watch. It's poorly written, poorly acted, it's pretty much just two guys talking in a car. There's not really a plot, it's more of a lecture. I actually took breaks watching this film to play Fallout 3.
Pictured: A more welcoming environment than one of Kirk Cameron's parties.

Horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE movie. Please skip...but, you most likely were going to.

EDIT: One reviewer said he was going to drink whiskey until he was almost blind and watch this again, so, I'm getting lit, watching it again and typing my thoughts, enjoy!

Ugh, Kirk Cameron totally wants to stick his dick in his Christmas tree or mug of hot chocolate, maybe both.

"There's something about the holidays that want people to be kinder to each other" unless those people are two men who want to get married, right Kirk?

Knowing that this is st. Nick, you should've explained that earlier or waited until later!

Also, seeing as the film is starring, produced by, co-written and directed by Darren Doane, why is it called "Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas"?

In all honesty, Kirk looks pretty good for his age.

Darren Doane has a very punchable face and still hasn't accepted my twitter request.

Dammit black guy, we know you're a Christian, you don't need to explain you were baptized twice.

I'm still baffled that "Straight power" in a line in this.

I'm going to be honest, this movie took me 3 servings to finish and I spent a lot of time playing Fallout when I should have been watching this.

Remember when Kirk was in that movie where he was a fireman and his marriage was trapped in a burning building? I haven't seen the movie, I just assumed that's what happened.

Holy crap Christian, stop making so many pauses!

This is the longest movie ever.

Looking at his tweets that haven't been blocked, Darren Doane is a pretty big douche.

Right, war on Christmas.

"Christmas tree, not in the bible!" Everybody in this movie has a very punchable face.

There is so much not happening in this movie.

Ben Carson, you should have never agreed to have your name on the case cover. That might cost you the election, if you lose, I will blame it on this movie.

They're also singing "Santa Claus is coming to town" wrong

Holy crap, the Santa shot lingers for WAYYYY too long.

This Christmas party looks like the lamest party ever.

Why do most Chinese buffets close before midnight?

"What do you have in mind big poppa?" Yeah, that's going to lead somewhere in a Christian movie.

I'm pretty sure Kirk just brought a camera crew to a family party.

Growing Pains wasn't that good of a sitcom.

The song they dance to is a hip hop version of "Angels we have heard on high" which is from It's a wonderful life, I kinda wish some of the characters of this film would jump off a bridge.

My result: SEE THIS BATSHIT CRAZY MOVIE!

I hope you enjoyed reading this more than I enjoyed watching it, Merry Christmas and a happy holidays from Darren Doane!

And goodwill towards men!

- Thomas Coombs Jr.

1 comment:

  1. Did you know you can shorten your long urls with AdFly and get money for every click on your shortened links.

    ReplyDelete