Friday, December 25, 2015

Invasion U.S.A. (A 25 Days of Shitmas Post) from Icon vs. Icon's Steve Johnson!

Invasion U.S.A.

Steve Johnson - Icon vs Icon

After taking a year off from Shitmas, mostly due to devastating stomach viruses, I am back to continue giving you guys what you want. I mean it wouldn’t be Christmas without an epic running commentary involving a massive body count and epic one liners. Having finished with the Christmas adventures of John McClane, Martin Riggs, and Roger Murtaugh, I figured I’d delve a little into the world of Chuck Norris and uzis. Without further ado I present, Invasion U.S.A. It’s time…

We start the film off with boatful of Cuban refugees off the coast of Miami. Little did they know, their dreams of escaping to America would get disrupted by a hail of gunfire from what appears to be the coast guard. Something stinks here… You have just been introduced to the bad guy of our story, Rastov, who is brought to life by the always excellent Richard Lynch. What an asshole this guy is. This guy makes Colonel Stuart look like a pussy. Turns out he gunned down everyone on the boat to score a shitload of cocaine that was being smuggled into the country by the recently dispatched Cubans.

As all of this shit is going down, our hero Matt Hunter is busy cruising around the bayou on his fan boat. I have to admit, this role was made for Chuck Norris. I cannot picture anyone else in the role. Anyway, the FBI and a news reporter by the name of McGuire have taken an interest in a boatful of dead sailors that has been drug into the harbor. I guess we now know who Rastov stole his coast guard boat from. Hunter can’t be bothered with all of this bullshit yet, he’s too busy running around in the swamp in sleeveless denim capturing alligators.

Rastov makes his way to a downtown Miami slum with his recently acquired coke to lineup some serious artillery. Who is his go to for the weapons? It’s none other than Billy Drago! Of course! Well when the buy is finished, Rastov takes it upon himself to kill everyone in the room. He saves the best for both Billy Drago and his female assistant. Drago is shot in the dick, not once, but twice and the assistant is thrown out of the goddamn window. This guy is fucking cold blooded. Oh yeah, I forgot… We’ll get back to shooting guys in the dick.

Here’s the part where it starts to get really interesting. Some random ass guy in a suit rows into Hunter’s world and begins to sneak around his house in the middle of the night. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that’s not very smart. Hunter gets the jump on him and it turns out they know each other. Mr. business suit is there to bring Hunter into the fold to help take out Rostov. The look in Hunter’s eyes when that name is mentioned could cut through steel. It turns out that Hunter and Rostov have a storied history together. A story that involved a potential assassination. Hunter was right, they should have let him take this douchebag out, but not that time. It wasn’t time to die, yet…

It seems that our boy Rostov has reoccurring nightmares about the night he almost ate a bullet at the hands of Hunter. Here’s where the path’s of our two main characters cross. Rostov determines he must take out Hunter before beginning his “operation.” We will get to that in a few. Rostov shows up at Hunter’s home and blows the living hell out of it. After narrowly escaping the explosion, Hunter lays his good friend John Eagle to rest and then heads out to exact a revenge so magnificent that words cannot do it justice.

I know by now you have to be asking yourself, what the hell does this movie have to do with Christmas? Well here you go. After offing a young couple making out on the beach, Rosov’s men make their way into the city where they terrorize as many people as humanly possible. This includes people decorating for and celebrating the holiday season. One second these people are sitting around the table for a family dinner and the next they are blown to pieces by a rocket launcher. That’s some cold ass shit right there. Oh yeah, there is an excessive use of rocket launchers in this film. This won’t be the last time I mention them. In another act of pure brutality, these maniacs dress up like cops and lay waste to a cuban street party. At this point you can’t wait for Chuck Norris to start taking out these assholes. I hope you are ready because here it comes. Hunter quickly locates some of Rostov’s men and beats information out of them. He hits them with so many lefts that they are begging for rights. Of course they do live through it and are asked to pass on a message to Rostov. It’s time to die.

Now we get to one of the greatest action sequences in the film. We go from a seedy strip joint to a packed mall full of holiday shoppers. A package is left behind armed with a bomb and gunmen storm the mall. Of course Hunter shows up packing dual uzis. He dispatches plenty of baddies and heads on his way chasing a couple them in a mustang owned by the reporter, McGuire, from earlier in the film. Don’t ask me how the hell she just happened to show up at the mall.

Rostov is super pissed now and is more determined than ever to off Hunter. He once again shoots a guy in the dick twice to prove how angry he is. As Hunter makes his way through the streets, he has a run in with some pseudo national guardsmen. Yeah, they meet the business end of a couple of uzis. Of course Rostov just happens to be down the street, plotting to blow up church full of innocent people. That damn Matt Hunter, he is such a thorn in Rostov’s side. Hunter quickly picks up the bomb and throws it back at the bad guys trying to detonate it. Let’s just say they won’t be bothering anyone ever again. Well maybe the guys who have to clean up their body parts.

Just as we think it can’t get any worse for the citizens of the city, these damn fake ass national guardsmen are back at it again. After opening fire on another bunch of innocent citizens, Hunter once again shows up out of nowhere and kills all of them, including one of Rostov’s right hand men. But wait, there’s more... It seems there is another terrorist plot that involves killing a bunch of children by planting a bomb on a moving bus. And… You guessed it, Matt Hunter shows up and saves the day again. Good lord, this guy is a savage.

After randomly showing up throughout the film and killing a shitload of Rostov’s men, Hunter finally hatches his own plan to ensnare Rostov. Hunter gets himself captured by the police for vigilantism and is uses it to drag Rostov into a trap. Incensed at a television interview with Hunter, Rostov sends all of his men to the Southeast Military Command where he is being held. The terrorists quickly overrun the national guard that are protecting the building and Rostov sets out to meet Hunter face to face. After figuring out that it’s a trap, Rostov and his men are quickly surrounded and most of them are shredded by the real national guard.

And now we come to the final showdown. Rostov and a few of his men are left standing alone in a building with badass Matt Hunter. A massive gunfight breaks out, of course it ends with only Rostov and Hunter left standing. And guess what… The only weapons they are left with are rocket launchers. You heard me right! We get a standoff with fucking rocket launchers! Hunter sneaks up behind Rostov and the click of the armed rocket launcher alerts him to Hunter’s presence. It’s time to die for real this time… As Rostov spins around, Hunter fires and blows him to pieces. I think I even saw a decapitated head flying through the window! Smash cut to the credits! That’s how you end a fucking movie! Well done Cannon Films!

Invasion U.S.A. is my absolute favorite Chuck Norris film. If you haven’t seen this one, please seek it out. How can you go wrong with Christmas, uzis, rocket launchers, and dudes getting shot in the dick? I’m not sure what I’m going to talk about next year, but you can bet it will involve action and yuletide spirit. Speaking of yuletide spirit, I wish you and your families all the best this holiday season. It’s time… Not to die, but to celebrate. Merry Shitmas.

- Steve Johnson

1 comment:

  1. Did you know that you can create short links with AdFly and get dollars from every visit to your shortened urls.