Steve Johnson - Icon vs Icon
After taking a year off from Shitmas, mostly due to devastating stomach viruses, I am back to continue giving you guys what you want. I mean it wouldn’t be Christmas without an epic running commentary involving a massive body count and epic one liners. Having finished with the Christmas adventures of John McClane, Martin Riggs, and Roger Murtaugh, I figured I’d delve a little into the world of Chuck Norris and uzis. Without further ado I present, Invasion U.S.A. It’s time…
Here’s the part where it starts to get really interesting. Some random ass guy in a suit rows into Hunter’s world and begins to sneak around his house in the middle of the night. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that’s not very smart. Hunter gets the jump on him and it turns out they know each other. Mr. business suit is there to bring Hunter into the fold to help take out Rostov. The look in Hunter’s eyes when that name is mentioned could cut through steel. It turns out that Hunter and Rostov have a storied history together. A story that involved a potential assassination. Hunter was right, they should have let him take this douchebag out, but not that time. It wasn’t time to die, yet…
It seems that our boy Rostov has reoccurring nightmares about the night he almost ate a bullet at the hands of Hunter. Here’s where the path’s of our two main characters cross. Rostov determines he must take out Hunter before beginning his “operation.” We will get to that in a few. Rostov shows up at Hunter’s home and blows the living hell out of it. After narrowly escaping the explosion, Hunter lays his good friend John Eagle to rest and then heads out to exact a revenge so magnificent that words cannot do it justice.
I know by now you have to be asking yourself, what the hell does this movie have to do with Christmas? Well here you go. After offing a young couple making out on the beach, Rosov’s men make their way into the city where they terrorize as many people as humanly possible. This includes people decorating for and celebrating the holiday season. One second these people are sitting around the table for a family dinner and the next they are blown to pieces by a rocket launcher. That’s some cold ass shit right there. Oh yeah, there is an excessive use of rocket launchers in this film. This won’t be the last time I mention them. In another act of pure brutality, these maniacs dress up like cops and lay waste to a cuban street party. At this point you can’t wait for Chuck Norris to start taking out these assholes. I hope you are ready because here it comes. Hunter quickly locates some of Rostov’s men and beats information out of them. He hits them with so many lefts that they are begging for rights. Of course they do live through it and are asked to pass on a message to Rostov. It’s time to die.
Now we get to one of the greatest action sequences in the film. We go from a seedy strip joint to a packed mall full of holiday shoppers. A package is left behind armed with a bomb and gunmen storm the mall. Of course Hunter shows up packing dual uzis. He dispatches plenty of baddies and heads on his way chasing a couple them in a mustang owned by the reporter, McGuire, from earlier in the film. Don’t ask me how the hell she just happened to show up at the mall.
Just as we think it can’t get any worse for the citizens of the city, these damn fake ass national guardsmen are back at it again. After opening fire on another bunch of innocent citizens, Hunter once again shows up out of nowhere and kills all of them, including one of Rostov’s right hand men. But wait, there’s more... It seems there is another terrorist plot that involves killing a bunch of children by planting a bomb on a moving bus. And… You guessed it, Matt Hunter shows up and saves the day again. Good lord, this guy is a savage.
After randomly showing up throughout the film and killing a shitload of Rostov’s men, Hunter finally hatches his own plan to ensnare Rostov. Hunter gets himself captured by the police for vigilantism and is uses it to drag Rostov into a trap. Incensed at a television interview with Hunter, Rostov sends all of his men to the Southeast Military Command where he is being held. The terrorists quickly overrun the national guard that are protecting the building and Rostov sets out to meet Hunter face to face. After figuring out that it’s a trap, Rostov and his men are quickly surrounded and most of them are shredded by the real national guard.
And now we come to the final showdown. Rostov and a few of his men are left standing alone in a building with badass Matt Hunter. A massive gunfight breaks out, of course it ends with only Rostov and Hunter left standing. And guess what… The only weapons they are left with are rocket launchers. You heard me right! We get a standoff with fucking rocket launchers! Hunter sneaks up behind Rostov and the click of the armed rocket launcher alerts him to Hunter’s presence. It’s time to die for real this time… As Rostov spins around, Hunter fires and blows him to pieces. I think I even saw a decapitated head flying through the window! Smash cut to the credits! That’s how you end a fucking movie! Well done Cannon Films!
- Steve Johnson