Thursday, June 11, 2015

Dino Horrors - Planet of Dinosaurs

The poster for Planet of Dinosaurs wants you to believe the movie is Star Wars with dinosaurs. The film is actually a cheap 70s drive-in exploitation film that could have been a children's matinee feature if it didn't look so much like a porno. Surprisingly, the stop motion dino-action is pretty good, and when the claymation lizards start picking off our subpar space explorers things get pretty brutal. I laughed a lot at this movie, but I yawned a lot too. I should have been drunk. I always should be drunk while watching this stuff.

Planet of Dinosaurs

In the world of B movies, stupid white people in spaceships have crash landed on many different planets. Interestingly, each of these worlds have been themed like a chain restaurant. Tin foil suited astronauts have landed on planets controlled by apes, vampires, robots and even bug people. But this movie trumps them all. This time a gang of painfully dubbed idiots land on the Planet of Dinosaurs.

In the distant future of the late 1970s a group of amateur porn stars space travelers crash land on a planetoid eerily similar to the San Fernando Valley. With only a few supplies and three laser blasters the crew tries to make the desolate planet their home. During their foraging, hunting and incessant whining they stumble across prehistoric creatures battling each other for supremacy. A cave dwelling T-Rex constantly harasses the crew until they decide to kill it. The crew decides to kill pretty much everything they come across.

The dinosaur designs are excellent. The scaly textures and little details give life and personality to the stop motion monsters. The actual animation is not so great. Although I did watch this immediately after Ray Harryhausen's The Valley of Gwangi, so that may be an unfair criticism. These dinos move one limb at a time while awkwardly battling each other. I can only assume the animators had very little time to create the stop motion sequences for the film. But don't worry, we still get a horned dinosaur impalement, the T-Rex picking off a slow running idiot, and lots of laser blasting dinosaurs in the face. We even get a genuinely terrifying giant spider.

Even better than the dinosaur carnage is the atrocious acting. The nonprofessional cast barely gets through their dialogue. Every line is delivered like a high school kid who is forced to give a speech in front of his class; monotoned and LOUD. The way each actor pantomimes their actions with the creatures is ridiculous. They flail their arms in the air and gyrate like epileptics. One actress tries to seduce another character with her "dance of seduction" only to start writhing her body like she was trapped inside a burlap sack. The worst bit of acting is from the captain. He shows a special emotionless technique that should be studied in acting schools for years to come.

Planet of Dinosaurs is a mixed bag, but really fun. Below are two youtube clips that give you a sense of its tone. SPOILERS AHEAD.

The first is a condensed version of the film by Cinema Bandits:

The second is the body count for both dinos and humans:

Here is the entire thing if you want to punish yourself OR if you're drunk.You should be drunk.

I wonder if the crew made a dino porno on their days off?

The End 

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