Sunday, June 14, 2015

Dino Horrors - Carnosaur 3: Primal Species

Carnosaur 3: Primal Species is so bad it's actually difficult to review. The entire film is a jumbled mess of poorly written action cliches, illogical characters, goofy puppet effects and indescribably bad acting. The pace of the film is insane, making the overall plot and action completely confusing. Characters scream at rubber dinosaurs, get trapped under cardboard boxes, pretend to arm wrestle and react to danger like kids riding a rollercoaster (hands in the air and SCREAM).

Every single actor understands that they're in a Carnosaur film, and they seem to love every minute of it. I don't think 10 minutes go by without a prehistoric dino-muppet ripping someone's face off. You will never lose interest in Carnosaur 3 even though you won't take the movie seriously. Watching Primal Species is like hitting the fast forward button on all of the previous Carnosaur films, pausing only for hilarious one-liners and out of focus dinosaur attacks.

Come to think of it, Carnosaur 3 is a pretty brilliant film.

Instead of reviewing Carnosaur 3, I would like to share 10 things that I learned while watching the film. All you need to know about the plot is that US Army Special Forces are called to a harbor in Los Angeles. They're looking for top secret cargo stolen by terrorists. The crack team of soldiers consult a shady and somewhat bitchy military scientist. They're told that the secret cargo are genetically modified raptors and a head ripping T-Rex. Our heroes spend the rest of the movie in the bowels of a ship trying to kill these creatures while discovering that the T-Rex is (of course) pregnant.

10 Things I Learned from Carnosaur 3

10) The US military will NOT stop a moving convoy for any reason. If you need to take a piss, then piss out the back of the Jeep because we're not stopping!

9) The best way to hide a truck full of Carnosaurs is driving the vehicle down a major highway with camouflage netting over the trailer. They'll never see it.

8) When Velociraptors dismember their victims they lay out the body parts in perfectly neat piles. 

7) "Dinosaur vision” looks exactly like a camcorder rushing at you with the polarizer effect on.

6) No one works on the docks in Los Angeles. NOT A SINGLE PERSON.

5) In horror movies; tough as nails black women are the first to die. While vaguely Hispanic/Native American woman live to the bitter end…before self-sacrificing themselves. This is called "The Vasquez Effect".

4) You can’t tell the difference between uranium and a dinosaur unless you are nose to nose with it.

3) Velociraptors run like blind dwarves suffering from heat stroke.

2) Everyone accepts the term “Carnosaur”. EVERYONE!

1) A Tyrannosaurus Rex’s face is strong enough to break through the hull of a ship, but gentle enough to caress her little eggs.

Final Thoughts
The best character in the movie is Polchek, a no-nonsense soldier who thinks this whole carnosaur thing is a sick joke. Check out his awesomeness below:

Every corner you turn on this boat has a Raptor! This is the worst-cruise-ever.

The End

Go in peace to love and serve Raptor Jesus.

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