Sunday, December 14, 2014

Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey (A Shitmas Post from James Harris aka Doc Terror)

Christmas kills… or rather it makes some folks just want to up and off themselves. It’s a sad thing to hear about, and I truly hope that those who suffer from seasonal depression or any mental state that could lead to someone ending their own life can come to terms with the reasons for their need to shove themselves of this mortal coil and firmly attach themselves to the book of life. That’s sort of a disclaimer, but it should also the preface for today’s Shitmas discussion concerning a somewhat obscure Christmas program that seems to leave its viewers ready for the reaper. I’m talking about Nester the Long-eared Christmas Donkey. For those of you who have taken part in the TV special you probably started drinking when you read the title of this piece. For those of you unfamiliar with Nester, his ears and most importantly, his mother… best to keep the Egg Nog flowing and full diluted with booze. This is a 1977 Rankin-Bass production. These are the  same folks behind the ever popular Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer program programmed on network TV each holiday season (doesn’t the title sound similar to Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey?).

The whole thing is narrated by Santa’s donkey… perhaps you felt the urge to take a couple o’ valium or a shot of your finest Wild Turkey? Me too. Let’s tie Santa to Jesus in the first couple minutes to appease both factions of the doom and gloom warriors in the trenches of the long fought war on Christmas This must be Christmas War IV by now).

Nester the Long-eared Christmas Donkey is the story of a newborn donkey, in a stable run by the Roman who suffers alongside many animals under strict totalitarian and abusive rule. Nester suffers perhaps more than others based on a deformity, his exceptionally long ears that trip him and cause him to look very unique. Nester undergoes a series of chidings followed by abuse at the hands of one of the Romans guards that watch over the stables where he resides. Up until this point, you have watched what must look like a modern day anti-bullying piece of propaganda except, as you will soon see, it has a religious thread that would keep it out of most classrooms even with the big guy in the red suit in the first five minutes.

If you didn’t start drinking when I mentioned the long eared donkey and the bullying motif, now would be the time to crack your top shelf hard shit. Nester’s mother protects her freakish son and ends up forcing an early exit from the stable, mid winter, into a horrible blizzard. Nester’s mother protects her young son with her body heat against the cold, and by morning… she is gone… ie she’s fucking dead! That’s it. Like Bambi’s mom or perhaps as heartbreaking as watching Mrs. Jumbo in Dumbo chained up. Nester is in tears, and Marty Robbins belts out a song that is sung in refrain throughout the entire mess. You want to die in this moment. I can assure you that you pretty much have no choice but to cry even if you think the whole thing is a hokey mess. As a small kid seeing this from the first time, I thin my goddamn pupils pinned when I realized Nestor’s mother had frozen to death.

Nestor wanders the forest with woodland animals. They tease the shit out of him and eventually he meets up with an angel named Tilly who guides him to a new stable where Nestor is picked up by… you guessed it… Much Prego Mary and Joseph going to Bethlehem. Nestor has carry Mary’s fat ass through the desert so that the couple can get Joseph back for the census (and so Mary can give birth to the little baby Jesus all lyin’ in a manger and shit). Of course a sand storm kicks up and Nestor’s long ears save the motherfuckin’ day. The worst part is when you hear the voice of Nestor’s mother say, “ears Nestor” a common refrain through the movie, which gives Nestor the idea to help Mary on his back by using his oversized ears. Nestor is fully teary-eyed. You should have a bottle finished by now. Starting the second one and ready for the climax when… Jesus is born and Nestor is the real savior (is this revisionist blasphemy?) and that’s the reason that Santa has a Christmas Donkey.  This is where you start remembering that the 70’s were a time of miraculous experimentation with hard drugs.

The story is touching, sure. If you watched it young enough you might even feel something akin to sympathy for the little disfigured martyr, Nestor or his mother, but if you watch this as a grown adult, you will require therapy. You will call your mommy crying and most likely you will inherit a delicious drug or alcohol addiction that should prime you for Christmas dinner when you are forced to relinquish all family baggage that culminates in a stick of holly forced ever so lovingly through someone’s heart. Of course the real problem with Nestor or even Rudolph is the underlying message. You are a freak… until you are useful and then you are to be accepted and worshipped (and not to be accepted until you quid pro quo yourself into endearment). This is the thing that creates shitty relationships and co-dependency mixed with a  tragic loss of self esteem.

Don’t sing the Nestor song. Do not make it a holiday tradition. You might as well be singing Red Water by Type O Negative to get in the Christmas spirit with a razor in your hand thinking about Poinsettia tea.

Oh and Frozen fans… the stable caretaker’s name is Olaf! Is this premonition or coincidence? 

Make sure to check out Nestor, available on YouTube. Christmas Suicide… don’t do it. 

-Doc Terror

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