Thursday, December 18, 2014

Jack Frost (A Shitmas Post from Todd Wolfson)

Ahh yes, its that magical time of the year again. Christmas is in the air and its a 
winter wonderland out there. And just as you sit all cozy by the fire place drinking a hot
cup of cocoa with a plate full of gingerbread cookies on your lap, you suddenly hear a 
noise coming from outside. Hmm what's that noise? Oh its just Billy and the kids playing in
the snow. The kids are running amok throwing snow balls at each other while Billy is cherry
red with excitement as he makes his first snow man. So you sit back down for another ginger
bread cookie and that's when you hear another sound. You listen a listen closer and you 
hear what seems to be carolors off in the distance...

"Dashing through the snow, In a one horse open sleigh. Billy's head will roll down the hill.
And Jack Frost laughing all the way with lots of joy and blood to spill."

You are now frozen in sheer terror as you see your winter wonderland has turned into a 
bloody massacre thanks to Jack Frost himself!

Jack Frost is one of my personal favorite holiday slashers, I would even go as far as to 
rank him up there with the A Nightmare On Elm Street, Friday the 13th, and the Silent
Night, Deadly Night series. Jack is evil and twisted in the same vein as Freddy Krueger and
he busts out the zany cheese ball one liners as well as delivering some of the best 
creative death scenes on the silver screen.

The movie starts out with prisoner serial killer Jack Frost being transported to his 
death sentence. Its a wicked snow storm and the driver can barely see the road, next thing
you know they crash into a truck full of "genetic material", Jack escapes out of the back
of the truck and just as he is about to kill the other cop, the truck with all of the 
chemicals explode on Jack and transforms him into a monsterous killer snow man! Jack now 
has special genetic powers to unleash some fatal frostbites of his own. One of these 
abilities allows him to freeze and unfreeze at will. Jack can melt into a liquid pool and 
manuever much like the T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgement Day movie and this gives him a deadly advantage. 

Jack Frost is now on a bloody rampage for the Sheriff of Snowmonton who arrested him. 
Sheriff Tiler still cannot shake the death threats toward him and his family from Jack and 
is still haunted by the awful memories. Jack Frost is one pissed off snowcone and he is out
for vengenance and will kill, kill, kill. just for the thrill. 

Speaking of good old fashioned murder and mayhem, I couldn't write up this review with out 
mentioning one of my favorite kill scenes in the whole movie. SPOILER ALERT! The Bath tub scene with the ever so sultry Shannon Elizabeth (The foreign exchange student Nadia from American Pie) Sha-winnnggg! And oh yes, this one takes the cake and is easily the most rediculous rape scenes since the classic Evil Dead tree rape scene. If you haven't figured it out by now this is not the gay yuletide Tim Allen family movie. 

As you guessed it more and more frozen bodies start piling up high into a giant snow ball
in the small town of Snowmonton. The Sheriff and his men try to keep everyone calm and in 
order in this time of distress but the town people are in a complete frenzy.

Meanwhile FBI Agents Manners and Stone arrive in Snowmonton to convince Sheriff Tiler to 
put the town on a 24 hour lockdown. Agent Stone reveals that he is a representative of the
genetic research company that created the acid and turned Jack into a mutated killer snow 
man. After hearing this vital information from Agent Stone, Sherrif now knows what he is up 
against and will do everything he can to stop the killer snow man at any cost. 

The sheriff and the rest of the small town now must ban together and find any weapons that
they can use to destroy the evil avalanche himself. They try everything they can to kill 
Jack but nothing works. They try releasing aerosol cans and setting him on fire while 
shooting bullets at him, blow drying him into a furnace, and at one point a Priest even 
joins in on the fun by blessing Jack with a blow dryer. However, after all of these 
failed attempts its still not enough to destroy the blizzard of death.

The final show down occurs when Jack traps both Sheriff Tiler and his son in there car. 
Just as the Sherrif is about to be iced by the deadly snow man he grabs whatever he can to 
attack Jack. The Sherrif throws the oatmeal cookies at Jack and it burns a hole in his 
frosty ass head. They discover that there is a special deadly ingredient in the oatmeal 
cookies that his son made for him. And now they have a real chance at ending this
diaboliqual snow blizzard's reign of terror.

The frightfully frigid conclusion kiddies! If you enjoy movies like The Gremlins and A 
Nightmare On Elm Street series you will love this unholy slushie of a holiday slasher! I'll
leave you with some mandatory shits n' giggles: whats the difference between snow men and snow women?  

SNOW BALLS!! Get it? Hehehe!!

- Todd Wolfson


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