Shit Movie Fest: 2014

The year was 1984 and the holiday horror cult classic SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT was released upon the world (on the same day as Wes Craven’s classic A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, by the way – pretty cool seeing two franchises born on the same day). Slammed by critics and protested by parents and Christian organizations alike, SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT would go on become a sub-genre favorite of slasher fans and aficionados.

But this post isn’t about the ’84 flick. This is about the 2012 remake SILENT NIGHT, which rightfully dropped the DEADLY NIGHT from the title since most of the kills take place in broad daylight – which, again, I’m okay with. So technically, the SILENT NIGHT remake is really just a loose remake with some decent subtle homages to the original series, namely the first two SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT films.

I realize there is already a SILENT NIGHT Shitmas post by Jesse Bartel, so I’ll try not to rehash anything here. So instead of comparing and contrast the original with this re-whatever, this will be somewhat of a straight-up, stand-a-lone, review. Sound good? Okay, let’s go.

The film opens with an eerie holiday beat, inside a decrepit house while Christmas songs play on an old radio in the background. We’re given glimpses of a man “preparing” for the season, decking himself out as what I can only describe as the creepiest Santa Claus ever. All the while a bound-and-gagged woman squirms in another room.

Downstairs, in the basement, a man is tied to a chair and wrapped in Christmas lights. The killer taunts him with an axe (an homage to the original, where the killer primarily used an axe as his weapon) before flipping a switch and electrocuting the man to death – his eyes eventually bursting (an homage to SNDN2, where a character’s eyes burst in an identical murder sequence).

And then the title card. White letters which fade to a deep, blood, red.

Cut to the next day, where we’re introduced to our main protagonist, played by the gorgeous Jaime King, who portrays Deputy Aubrey Bradimore. King shines in the horror genre and I’d love to see her do more stuff.

And then we meet Sheriff Cooper, played by the whacky Malcolm McDowell (famously known for his stint as Alex in Stanley Kubrick’s classic A CLOCKWORK ORANGE). I want to say that I liked his character, but it came across as a replay of his Dr. Loomis character in the Rob Zombie-directed HALLOWEEN movies, especially HALLOWEEN II. It’s almost as if McDowell was still in Loomis mode when he filmed SILENT NIGHT, even though there’s a three year gap between the roles.

As seems to be the norm in slasher movies, the killer is using inventive ways to kill people on Christmas Eve – all the while, Cooper and Bradimore are hunting down the lunatic. The only lead they have to go in is that the killer was dressed as Santa Claus. But in their small little town, that proves to be a tougher assignment than usual, as seemingly everyone is dressed as jolly ole St. Nick.

And that how we meet Santa Jim, played by the hilarious Donal Logue. Although, this is one of the first roles I can’t think of where Logue takes sort of a dark turn (remember, I only ever really knew him from TV’s GROUNDED FOR LIFE). Logue plays a Santa who wouldn’t exactly find himself on the Nice list. Get my drift?

But like all the town’s Santas, Santa Jim is but yet another red herring.

Filling the gap between the opening scene and the third act are those broad daylight kills I spoke of earlier. A few that stand out are a pornographer and his assistant being slaughtered in a hotel room and another being a continuation of that scene. The porn subject escapes only to be tracked down in a Christmas tree farm, where she finds herself being shoved into a wood chipper. Not too shabby for the daytime.

Another town Santa reveals a little backstory regarding another Santa from the town’s past – one who went berserk with a flame thrower. And, thus, it is revealed that our current killer Santa is the son of the previous killer Santa.

And the whodunit mystery is over, if there ever was one.

The film climaxes in the police department, where the killer unleashes all-out war on the remaining officers and staff. Yes, this includes bringing back his father’s trademark flame thrower.

And no slasher movie would be complete without an open ending. Despite being believed dead in the fiery conclusion, we are shown the killer, as an everyday town’s folk, still very much alive.

Now for a few things to get off my chest. Yes, I was a little disappointed that this remake didn’t follow the original’s story of Billy, a boy tormented by Christmas all his life, until one Christmas Eve he snaps. But, you know, that’s okay. The original, for being what it is, is a charming little holiday horror flick – and I’m actually pretty happy that SILENT NIGHT didn’t follow that route.

Instead, we got an “original” slasher with some pretty cool homages to the original (like the deer antler kill).

So that’s SILENT NIGHT. A modern psycho Santa movie with a moderate budget and a respectable cast. Is it a cinematic masterpiece? No, not by any means. But it does hold true to the true meaning of Shitmas.

Merry Shitmas, everyone!

Nick Meece
[www][@nickmeece]

‘Twas the Night Before The Walking Dead Christmas (A Shitmas Poem by Russell Hackett!)

‘Twas the Night Before The Walking Dead Christmas

By Russell Hackett

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the safe house

Not a Walker was stirring, not even a louse.

Dingy backpacks hung, drying in the cold Atlanta air

Knowing that soon, full morning would be there

Our heroes gathered ‘round a fire so trite

With visions of Washington, dancing in their sight

Now with poor Bob and Beth all laid to rest

What is left of the crew would make do with their best

Suddenly outside a shake, crack and tumble,

Rick sprang into action to inspect the unearthly rumble

Towards the wooden barriers he darted with fright

However, through tiny slits, he saw a rare sight

It was not possible, only a dream

None would believe, or though it did seem

For out in the night, on blood-stained streets

Was the sight of all sights, on ice lying in sheets

Not to be mistaken, ‘twas a fat walker in red

Leading a sleigh of nine reindeer, all tied and long dead

In the back of the wagon was a bag up for keeps

Bursting at the seams, its fill was so deep

With a rallying of troops, overheard was this call:

"Now Maggie! Now Michonne!

Now, Tyreese and Daryl Dixon!

On, Glenn! On, Sasha!

Wake the hell up and listen!

On, down the hall!

Prepare arms, to the wall!

With footfalls so light

They tiptoed through the night

Not a sound was made, nor a single word said

For soon, it came, the jolly fat man did lose his head

The bag was brought home and the door sealed with might

All sat around, stomachs churning with delight

Many wrapped packages they all spilled out

Each with a name, inscribed boldly about

A note slipped free

With a list for all to see:

For you, fair Judith, a pacifier, to keep quieter

Master Carl, a lifter for height, so you will feel right.

To Rick, the bold, new bullets for that pistol you so dearly hold

To the wise Eugene, ‘tis a Flowbee I bring.

To Carol, the meek, the peace of mind you do seek

To Tyreese, of moral laws, a new set of balls

To Abraham, the strong, a brain to tote along

To Michonne, the brave, a new set of slaves

Rosita, the loose, a cushion to rest your caboose

And to Daryl, the slick, processed squirrels to keep from getting sick

The note ended with a signature scrawl

Prefaced with words of sweet tidings to all,

To stay warm and sleep tight

May you live to see another night!

Jolly Old St. Nick

(Terry Lea through www.flickr.com)

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

‘Christmas with The Joker’ - Batman: The Animated Series (A Shitmas Post from Mary Bastian)

‘Christmas with The Joker’ - Batman: The Animated Series
Written By: Mary Bastian

So I was 17 years old when this TV show came out in 1992. A senior in high school and still on my Batman high from 3 years earlier, when Tim Burton’s Batman movie was released. I really loved the style of animation used for the show the instant I first watched it. I think it still holds up today. Although I have had conversations with friends who feel the animation is pretty shotty in this episode particularly. I would have to respectfully disagree. I really dig the backgrounds used & love how crisp & colorful the main characters are.
This episode takes place on Christmas Eve & all Robin wants to do is stay home and watch It’s a Wonderful Life with Batman. An un-jolly Batman is unaware that the Joker has escaped Arkham Asylum, but wants to patrol Gotham in ensure all citizens are safe, instead of staying home. The beginning of the episode also opens with the now well-known Christmas song, “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, Robin Laid an Egg…. The Batmobile lost its wheel and the Joker got away!”

Meanwhile the Joker hijacks a tv station to air his special, ‘1st Annual Christmas with the Joker’. As much as he wants the masses of people to watch him, he really is addressing Batman directly in this live broadcast. Batman receives the Jokers signal in the Bat Cave, and off they go to find the Joker. Unaware he is holding the Lawful family hostage at the tv studio. Joker threatens to blow up President Bridge at midnight, where a passenger train is set to cross at 11:30 pm and Mommy Lawful’s mom is on the train. I think this episode in particular was important in fleshing out Robin’s character. He is in many episodes of this series, but in this episode he steps up to help stop the train in time, dodges shots fired from a cannon, fights off machine gun wielding toys all while always having Batman’s back & proves to be much more of a sidekick than thought of previously.

Their search to find the Joker leads them to the Laffco Toy Company which has gone out of business & is in an abandoned warehouse. While the Nutcracker theme music plays in the background, Batman and Robin have to fight off giant toy soldiers that are coming for them. I must admit I find this scene funny. Watching Robin take them down with toy airplanes and Batman take them down with a baseball bat is comical to me. Also watching Batman get a pie in the face when presented with a gift from the Joker is amusing. Jokers laugh is so menacing in this episode and you get to see the very dark side of the Jokers personality.

The episode concludes with Batman & Robin freeing the hostages & Joker assisting in his own take down by tripping over a skate and falling right into the vat of boiling liquid. Batman has once again kept Gotham safe under his watch and retires for the night back at Wayne Manor watching It’s a Wonderful Life with Robin. All while Joker is in a strait jacket back in the Asylum. One thing that I really love about this episode, besides the Betty Blooper doll stomping a cardboard Gotham like Godzilla taking over Tokyo, is the music. It is very reminiscent of a Danny Elfman score. There are serious moments where the music becomes very dark & doom like but then other moments its light and airy. I much prefer an actual score over bad studio manufactured music. But the music hands down makes this episode for me. Gives me a very comforting feeling.
This is definitely a fun Christmas themed show to watch, especially during December. I recommend between viewing Die Hard, Home Alone, Silent Night Deadly Night, you give this a go.

- Mary Bastian
Bastian's Boutique

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

A Very Merry Cricket (A Shitmas Post from Last Blog On Dead End Street's Thomas Kingsmill)

When I finally sat down to watch A Very Merry Cricket, I had no idea that it was the sequel to an earlier cartoon, A Cricket in Times Square(also based on a book). So I was quite confused as to why a good half of Cricket Christmas is about a cat & mouse reminiscing about the Cricket, and trying to find him, all intertwined with flashbacks. SOme Google research after my initial viewing cleared all this up(there's even a third cartoon, Yankee Doodle Cricket, which i've yet to watch).

In the middle of Times Square, and the busiest shopping season of the year, best friends Tucker the Mouse and Harry the Cat(MASS HYSTERIA) are upset that the world seems to have lost the true sprit of Christmas. They decide that the only thing that will remind mankind what Christmas is all about, is local quasi-celebrity Chester C. Cricket. A Cricket who can mimic any piece of music he hears. Apparently in the first cartoon, Chester saved a train station magazine stand that was going broke with his music prowess.
Tucker & Harry train up to Connecticut, where Chester lives. The best part of the trip is the mangy alley cat who keeps trying to eat Tucker(or take him home to the wife and kids for them to eat).
They get Chester back to Times Square, with the hopes that maybe this one cricket can remind everyone what Christmas is all about. Somehow.

I can't be too harsh for the thin-as-paper plot, since this is a kids cartoon from '73, based on a kids book from the '60s, because it IS meant for kids. Plus the message about the Holiday is just as poignant now as it was in '73(unless you're the religious type, then the lack of Jesus may annoy you).
The main reasons to watch this special, for me at least, is the gorgeous animation by the great Chuck Jones, and Mel Blanc doing an off-brand Bugs Bunny voice for Tucker the mouse.

Included is the YouTube link to the whole cartoon, which I highly recommend giving a watch. Even better if you have kids. Mix it with viewings of Rudolph and Peanuts, which I feel that A Very Merry Cricket could stand beside today, all for it's simple message.

- Tom Kingsmill
Last Blog On Dead End Street

Monday, December 22, 2014

Bikini Bloodbath Christmas (A Shitmas Post from The Moon is a Dead World's Ryne Barber!)

Let me just start off by saying that I consider my review of Bikini Bloodbath Christmas my Christmas gift to you. Now you don’t have to watch it yourself, because I’m going to dash any hope of enjoyment you think you’ll get from watching some mostly nude, relatively unknown porn stars prance around a house decorated for the yuletide season. Sure, Debbie Rochon gets a really quick part in this, as well as a cameo from Lloyd Kaufman; but I’m convinced that by now, both of them will do anything to get in a film nowadays.

Tis the season and the M.C. crew are feeling the Christmas spirit. This week we review [or re-review in my case] SANTA'S SLAY (2005) and THE DAY OF THE BEAST(1995). Plus the Top 5 Xmas movies [non-horror] of all time. Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!

Click To Listen to Episode 42: It's a Wonderful Podcast!

Top 5 [non-horror] Xmas Movies

1. A Christmas Story (1983)

2. Die Hard (1988)

3. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vactation (1989)

4. Bad Santa (2003)

5. (tie) Scrooged (1988) / Home Alone (1990)

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Prometheus (A Shitmas Post from John Tatarelli Jr)

What I Choose To Believe or The Trick Is Not Minding That It Hurts
By John Tatarelli Jr

I’m just going to start this off letting you know that this is not a summary of the film, I’m not going to try to solve the mysteries of this film by getting deep into it, basically this is just my vague rambling (this subject might be better explored in conversation, it is up for debate and Ridley Scott’s films are open to interpretation). At this point Prometheus 2 is in the works so in a couple of years my ideas may be thrown out the window, and I’m fine with that. I’m going to break this into two parts, basically how I look at Prometheus, and how I choose to look at the Alien franchise. Before I get into those discussions I’m going to give you quick look at how I look at films at this point in my life. I was born in 1980, I feel like I was born at just the right time. Everything awesome from my parents youth was on constant syndication on the 7 channels (sometimes 8 depending on the weather) that we enjoyed on our very small television. I was lucky enough to watch the Star Wars trilogy and many other classics thanks to our RCA Videodisc player, after that we got our first VCR. I grew up watching amazing films that were made true masters of the craft, the films I grew up watching were not targeted towards my age, they were what they were. Films back then didn’t over explain everything. So many great films from my youth can be revisited at this age and teach new lessons that my young mind couldn’t grasp. Evertyhing from my youth was just magic to me. Then everything changed when the Star Wars prequels came out. They used bullshit science to explain The Force, the trilogy was ruined, everything started to suck. (There are exceptions, but that’s about when the magic died for me) Modern films to me for the most part, lack excitement, humour, and emotion. The worst part about modern films is the fact they explain way too much. This is my overall feeling, some stuff surprises me, a lot disappoint me, but I’m getting older and what I think is cool differs from what younger audiences enjoy. Onto Prometheus….

A Collection of Christmas Themed Horror Book Covers!

Here's a collection of Christmas Themed Horror Book Covers from over the years, if I missed any please let me know in the comments cause I'd be interested in checking them out!

First up is R.L. Stine's "Silent Night" Trilogy, I have all 3 books so I scanned the front and back covers! One thing I always liked about the "Fear Street" books was how much they looked just like an 80's Slasher Film you'd beg you parents to rent for you at the video store!

I really have to give the credit behind my decision to review Turbulence for 2014’s Shit Movie Fest to my husband. I had actually never seen Turbulence and had no idea it was essentially Christmas eve at 40,000 feet with crazy eyes Ray Liotta. The plane is all pre-911 Christmased out. No way would you get on a plane nowadays with strings of Christmas lights aka ropes for psychopaths to use to confine and/or strangle people. I know I’d be pissed if security confiscated my shampoo and then I walked into one big twinkling security risk. But, more on the absurdity of the Turbulence airplane later.

Christmas Bounty: A MIZtical Christmas in New Jersey (A Shitmas Post from Jay of the Sexy Armpit!)

I honestly don't expect you to read a giant post about a TV movie starring WWE Superstar, The Miz, but if you do, you're definitely on Santa's nice list this year.

Wait one sec, bare with me, I just received a text. Jeez, could there be a more inopportune time to be interrupted by a text, right at the start of a blog post? And a GUEST post at that. Coincidentally, it's from the master of ceremonies at Shit Movie Fest, Tom Bryce himself - he literally just texted me in real time as I type this. This is what it says: "Hey man, please, whatever you do, DO NOT write about Christmas Bounty, ANY other Christmas movie is fine, otherwise, I'm sorry to say this, but I can't ever invite you back for The 25 Days of Shitmas. I hope we can still party at the next Monster Mania." I assume Tom isn't aware of the major problem I have with being told what to do.

Jack Frost (A Shitmas Post from Todd Wolfson)

Ahh yes, its that magical time of the year again. Christmas is in the air and its a
winter wonderland out there. And just as you sit all cozy by the fire place drinking a hot
cup of cocoa with a plate full of gingerbread cookies on your lap, you suddenly hear a
noise coming from outside. Hmm what's that noise? Oh its just Billy and the kids playing in
the snow. The kids are running amok throwing snow balls at each other while Billy is cherry
red with excitement as he makes his first snow man. So you sit back down for another ginger
bread cookie and that's when you hear another sound. You listen a listen closer and you
hear what seems to be carolors off in the distance...

"Dashing through the snow, In a one horse open sleigh. Billy's head will roll down the hill.
And Jack Frost laughing all the way with lots of joy and blood to spill."

You are now frozen in sheer terror as you see your winter wonderland has turned into a
bloody massacre thanks to Jack Frost himself!

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (A Shitmas Post from Richelle Charkot of Southpaw Podcast!)

Directed by: Nicholas Webster

Written by: Glenville Mareth

Every now and then a film will come along that is so profoundly flawed that audiences can’t help but celebrate everything terrible about it. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians; with its consistent spelling errors in title cards, actors that miss every other cue, astonishing amount of stock footage, and paper-thin plot about aliens that decide to kidnap Santa Claus until he gives the Martians some Christmas presents; is one of the quintessential bad movies to watch this holiday season. This incredibly campy movie stars multiple B-list actors; with the only really notable names being the likes of Pia Zadora (this being her film debut), and Bill McCutcheon, as well as a few character actors who later made a small career in television. This film is so cheaply made, poorly shot, terribly acted and haphazardly written that it in turn becomes incredibly charming, in a way that 1960's science fiction very effectively captured.
Due to the fact that I have never watched Santa Claus Conquers the Martians completely sober, I decided to keep the tradition going and write an authentic review/drinking game combination, and by 'authentic,' I mean I will get drunk by my own rules as the film progresses. Starting with the standard double rum and eggnog, I press play.

Do a shot during the title credits during every spelling error: “'Custume' designer” being one of the more glaring offenders. As an added challenge while the film progresses, drink every time you realize that the damnably catchy opening song is stuck in your head still.
Drink every time someone called Andy Henderson, “Andy Anderson”: Hint: It happens basically every time Santa addresses him.
Yell, "DROPO!" every time Dropo screws up or does something clumsily. If you don't yell, then finish your drink: As the obviously meek comic relief, Dropo acts like a court jester throughout the entire movie. I can only assume his name is Dropo because in spite of the Martians being an advanced race, he totally drops the ball at every single given moment.
Sip whenever you notice that the Martian green face makeup is being sweated off: I had to make this one ‘sip’ because unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how drunk you’re looking to get playing this game) you’ll be drinking pretty much every time an alien is on screen. It is pretty obvious that Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a cheaply made movie, and the apparent lack of a makeup department only makes it funnier.
Drink during scenes of obvious stock footage: This rule is going to probably kill you. Basically every time there is any mention to government, kidnapping, armies, or anything that can easily fill time, there's a cutaway sequence of about two to five minutes of material that is obviously not original. There is so much stock footage in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians that I would not be surprised if it is one of the most stock-footage laden films in movie history.
Drink every time the children in the film out-act the adults: Everyone is uniformly bad at acting in this movie, but the kids still manage to repeatedly out-shine the other actors.

Do a shot during the polar bear scene: Due to multiple needless scenes in this movie, it becomes crystal clear in no time that there is not a lot of plot to speak of in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. This is the reason why there are so many long scenes where what is happening has nothing to do with the narrative – the polar bear scene definitely being one of the worst offenders, but it is still hilarious. The man wearing the bear suit is clearly wearing an extremely cheap costume which is so obviously fake that I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a rug.
Drink every time a newspaper flashes on screen that has nothing to do with Santa or kidnappings: As with the polar bear scene, one of the funniest aspects of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is the fact that there is so much filler where something entirely needless is happening; and the newspapers that flash on screen are yet another example of it. Most of the newspapers have nothing to do with the film, or are masked by foreign languages which we can only assume also have absolutely nothing to do with the movie.

Drink every time a joke is told that totally falls flat: Santa and Dropo have a hard time making anybody laugh with their lame one-liners.
Drink during the toy-fight scene: At this point it feels like the filmmakers just said 'fuck it' and included anything that would bring the movie up to a respectable 81 minutes. This entire fight scene feels like a fever dream at best, which should go well with the expected buzz that viewers should have by this point in the movie/drinking game.
Finish your drink during the ending credits because by this point you've probably forgotten the theme song, but now it's returned with a vengeance.

S-a-n-t-a C-l-a-u-s, hooray for Santa Claus!

- Richelle Charkot (pop culture writer, reviewer, and host of Southpawd)

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

3615 code Père Noël: Le Home Alone (A Shitmas Post from Eddie Spuhghetti)

So I don’t need some friggen striped t-shirt, blanket-carrying kid to tell me what Christmas is all about: tis the season to give. Moonsaulting at the chance to do a piece for Shitmas here at Shit Movie Fest, I figured it's a prime opportunity to give a fairly unique present while my site Here Lies is still going through “final processing” (just a little bit of this and a little bit of that). I'll be guiding you through a French thriller with sweet hints of Die Hard and Home Alone, subtle notes of Rambo and a dash of Silent Night, Deadly Night. I just need to find the tape here.. ah, here we go: ca c’est 3615 code Père Noël.

My Aunt Dolores came across a copy at a library bookshop in Toulouse, France and presented it to me wrapped in tin-foil with a big card saying “Merry Christmas Ethan”. Like many of you, I hadn't even heard a drip of piss from this film anywhere and it even goes by different titles such as Deadly Games and Game Over - my favourite being “Le Home Alone", coined by my Aunt Dolores while tossing back her seventh egg-nog. Home Alone comparisons are a guarantee but both films share the same 1989 production time-frame, making it impossible for any kind of intended imitation. The only references to American cinema are several homages to Action epics like Commando and First Blood Part II. Here's where I take you into the film without ruining the ending; it’ll be to your discretion whether or not you wish to watch the entire thing (I’ll explain why later). *Presses PLAY button*

1959's Santa Claus (A Shitmas Post by JP Wendel from Death Blog: The Blog That Eats People)

When one looks through the annals of mexploitation cinema, it's impossible to not come across the name Rene Cardona. And

for good reason too. Amongst his 145 directing credits you'll find several Santos and Blue Demon titles, splatter classic

Night of the Bloody Apes, and the epic Wrestling Women vs Aztec Mummies. However, I would argue his most memorable film

just may be 1959's Santa Claus (you'll notice it took a foreign-language film to spell Santa's fucking last name

correctly), a fantasy film that puts a uniquely Latin spin on the mythos of everyone's favorite portly gift-giver by placing him

in an eternal battle against the literal goddamn (heh) devil.

Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey (A Shitmas Post from James Harris aka Doc Terror)

Christmas kills… or rather it makes some folks just want to up and off themselves. It’s a sad thing to hear about, and I truly hope that those who suffer from seasonal depression or any mental state that could lead to someone ending their own life can come to terms with the reasons for their need to shove themselves of this mortal coil and firmly attach themselves to the book of life. That’s sort of a disclaimer, but it should also the preface for today’s Shitmas discussion concerning a somewhat obscure Christmas program that seems to leave its viewers ready for the reaper. I’m talking about Nester the Long-eared Christmas Donkey. For those of you who have taken part in the TV special you probably started drinking when you read the title of this piece. For those of you unfamiliar with Nester, his ears and most importantly, his mother… best to keep the Egg Nog flowing and full diluted with booze. This is a 1977 Rankin-Bass production. These are the same folks behind the ever popular Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer program programmed on network TV each holiday season (doesn’t the title sound similar to Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey?).

What do Nash Bridges, Christmas, puke, alcoholism and white supremacy have in common? If you say “America” you’re right, but you could also say Dead Bang. This 1989 actioner from genre mainstay John Frankenheimer – who would return to lay bullets to the holiday season again in 2000’s Reindeer Games – may not be the most iconic (Die Hard), nasty (Cobra) or fun (Lethal Weapon) of the Cop on Christmas flicks but it is notably the most politically incorrect and is definitely the only one where the lead pukes on a suspect after chasing them down.

Dead Bang opens on Christmas Eve with an armed robbery at a convenience store – not all that dissimilar to Cobra – leading to two murders with blood splattered on holiday decorations and one (a cop) even being dispatched right after saying “Merry Christmas”, this isn’t Prancer. Shortly after, we’re introduced to an alcoholic, profane, bad husband, Christmas hating cop played by a rugged Don Johnson who is assigned to track down the Christmas Eve Cop Killer. Not to spoil much, but the investigation takes him out of LA (why do all of these Christmas action flicks take place in fucking LA?) and around the southwest, eventually landing on a crew of gun totting white supremacists that are just not nice people.

This is pure meat and potatoes genre cinema at its best and lays the holiday trappings on thick. Either they shot this thing around Christmas time or they legitimately decorated every dive bar, diner, police precinct, street and church for it. There’s even a couple solid chase scenes that really show off the season’s staple lights and trees, one of which ends with a nice explosion taking out quite a bit of them. Outside of that, not all that much Christmas-y happens but you do get more awkward Nazi iconography this side of Elves!

Dead Bang may not be on everyone’s list for seasonal naughty viewing, but it should be. It’s almost as mean as Cobra, almost as fun as Lethal Weapon and will never be as iconic as Die Hard, but what could be? It has Don Johnson, neo-Nazis, car/foot chases, blood spattered Christmas decorations and vomit. What more could you ask Santa for?

- Justin LaLiberty
http://paracinema.net/

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Midnight Confessions Podcast's "Santa Claus is coming to town...and he's pissed!" (And Top 5 Xmas Horror!)

This week on the Mightnight Confessions Podcast the guys discuss their Top 5 Best Xmas Flicks along with some of their favorite Christmas songs over the years!

Direct Link to Episode #41 "Santa Claus is coming to Town . . . and he's Pissed!"

Top 5 Xmas Horror

1. Black Christmas (1974)

2. Gremlins (1984)

3. Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

4. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

5. Silent Night Bloody Night (1974)

The Shittiest Christmas Specials That Ever Got Shat (A Shitmas Post from the Tavern of Terror's Kristopher Triana)

December, much like October, is one of those annual occasions when our viewing schedules become a little more rigorous and organized. Instead of just burning out on My Two Dads binge watching via Netlfix, we instead line up our own personal queues of holiday favorites which we simply must fucking watch if we expect Christmas to actually happen. After all, Santa won’t come unless you sit through yet another agonizing viewing of Jingle All the Way. Jesus wouldn’t allow him to.

We all have our merry movie marathons, because we all have seasonal favorites that embody everything we love about Christmas (A Charlie Brown Christmas) as well as hate about it (Bad Santa). These specials become yuletide staples, and they are certainly a more pleasant element to the season than having to see your own family.

However, somewhere down the road (probably in the 1980’s), big business saw an opportunity to not just suck Christmas dry like the withered tit of a retired Hooter’s waitress, but to also pump every last bit of rancid milk from the Christmas special’s raw and bloody udder. This lead to every cartoon character, sitcom mom, insurance spokesperson, cereal mascot, public emergency broadcaster, college radio personality, 976 operator, wetting doll, foot fetish porn star, weatherman, talking fruit, toilet-bowl-cleaning animated brush, Discovery Channel lions and zebras and shit, infomercial kung fu master, evangelist rapist, reality show dishwasher, hamster whisperer, and hockey referee getting their own Christmas special.

So now, each December, stretched across the dank whorehouse we call network TV, there is this cavalcade of colorful crap no one ever wants to see but is crammed down our throats like a practice dildo. Some are so bad they’ve been vaulted, while others play on endless loops until the New Year. Watchable ones are few and far between, but the truly loathsome and idiotic ones are what I’d like to give the one finger salute to here.

Behold!

THE SHITTIEST CHRISTMAS SPECIALS THAT EVER GOT SHAT

Friday, December 26, 2014

The Shitmas Hangover (Shitmas Year 4's Wrap-up!)

Thursday, December 25, 2014

SILENT NIGHT, Holy Shitmas (A Shitmas Post by Haunted House Indy's Nick Mecee)

‘Twas the Night Before The Walking Dead Christmas (A Shitmas Poem by Russell Hackett!)

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

‘Christmas with The Joker’ - Batman: The Animated Series (A Shitmas Post from Mary Bastian)

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

A Very Merry Cricket (A Shitmas Post from Last Blog On Dead End Street's Thomas Kingsmill)

Monday, December 22, 2014

Bikini Bloodbath Christmas (A Shitmas Post from The Moon is a Dead World's Ryne Barber!)

Midnight Confessions Ep. 42: "It's a Wonderful Podcast"

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Prometheus (A Shitmas Post from John Tatarelli Jr)

Saturday, December 20, 2014

A Collection of Christmas Themed Horror Book Covers!

Turbulence (A Shitmas Post by Katherine Mahady)

Friday, December 19, 2014

Christmas Bounty: A MIZtical Christmas in New Jersey (A Shitmas Post from Jay of the Sexy Armpit!)

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Jack Frost (A Shitmas Post from Todd Wolfson)

Wednesday, December 17, 2014