When I was a kid we used to get the big ol’ Sears Wish Book. It was basically Sears’ chance to show kids what they could ever hope to put on their wish list to Santa Claus. Think of it as a way to pad or expand upon things you already knew you wanted. The Wish Book was a way to discover the new, cool toy or revisit old favorites. I remember finding a Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist doll on those pages, asking for it, getting it and then letting it terrorize me for the next year. I also remember putting an $800 robot on my list. I truly thought I had a chance at that. I mean, I had been REALLY good that year. Then there was the time after Christmas after reading My Side of the Mountain where I used the Wish Book to devise a plan to go live in a tree in the woods. I had all the necessary items picked out from the book; all the tools you could want. It was a cumbersome load, but hey, it’d fit all in my backpack right?
The Wish Book is a fond memory for me, one that I don’t believe children have the luxury to explore. Sears’ phonebook of toys and gifts has turned into electronic Amazon wish lists and circulars for Black Friday sales that start on Thanksgiving. It’s a pity, but it was fun while it last and in the interest of conserving paper I guess we won’t print up this here Wish Book either. That damn toy catalog may be one of the few reasons I dislike the slogan, “Go Green”, but let’s given the old Wish Book one more go. This time, it’s more of a focused effort. This time the Wish Book is related to a classic piece of horror cinema directed by Santa's helper himself, Bob Clark. This year we bring you the Black Christmas Edition of the Wish Book from 1974.
About this little movie Black Christmas (you should already know all of this, horror people!). It's one of the earliest Christmas horror movies not focusing on Santa himself, but rather surrounding a sorority under attack by a lewd prank phone caller who has seemingly infilitrated their house and is picking the lovely coeds off methodically using exceptionally amusing, slasher-like kill methods. It's widely considered to be the first if not one of the first slasher pictures. Directed by Bob Clark (director of A Christmas Story), Black Christmas is a piece of horror gone amazingly right with stunning visuals, an avant-garde creepfest of a score from Carl Zittrer and starring John Saxon, Keir Dullea, Olive Hussey and Margot Kidder.
Please enjoy the Black Christmas Edition of the Wish Book from 1974.
“Give your voice to the ones you love this Christmas season. This green, rotary telephone is perfect for talking to your boyfriend about how he knocked you up or letting him know that you love him enough to fuck him, but not enough to spend the rest of your life with him. It can be a great way to break the news and let him know that you’re not “keeping it;, you have goals. It also doubles as a way to detect homicidal maniacs in your home or receiving psychotic, lewd phone calls”.
SILENT NIGHT ALBUM
“While your drinking your brains out this Christmas, and preparing to end up on the butcher block, this album will keep you feeling merry enough to keep from ending it all yourself (let someone else do the dirty work this Christmas season). The delicate sound of choral celebration praising the birth of our Lord and savior will be met with great hunks of snow perpetually falling from the sky and the faint whisper of dead house moms, in the attic or drunk on too many spirits talking to a mirror in the bathroom”.
“Make sure to get the biggest bulbs you might be able to find this Christmas season and put them around the house to set the mood. Don’t rely on those damn LED’s. The only way to celebrate Christmas properly and make your home ready to catch fire when you leave them on overnight is to buy the C9’s. Help the electric company out. Buy C9’s”.
DRY CLEANER GIFT CERTIFICATE
“How are you supposed to enjoy the blackest of Christmases if you don’t have a dry cleaning bag in the house to get killed with? Nothing says “I love you enough to watch you dead through the entire movie in the attic” like the gift of clean delicates straight from your local cleaners. Make sure to keep as many extra bags as you can to conceal the killer in your closet and provide ample back up weapons in case the first bag should tear”.
PI KAPPA SIGMA PLEDGE PIN
“If you’re going to be a sister in a sorority and die trying, you’re going to want to wear what all the girls at good ol’ number 6, the PI Kappa Sigma house are wearing. This handsome pledge pin will be a testament to years past when the sorority itself goes defunct and can only be found on the front door post of the house that Hussey built (Margot Kidder disputes that name). Pin your Christmas cheer on him today before he kills you”.
Do not wear on your uniform.
BYE BABY BUNTING NEEDLEPOINT FRAMED
“Nothing says “don’t abort my baby” like a needlepoint and framed copy of the classic nursery rhyme By Baby Bunting… accept maybe a good ol’ fashion prank call where you threaten murder and create complete disorientation and subterfuge using the classic nursery rhyme in the creepiest way possible. You can hang it over your bed when you fall asleep after you’ve “killed the killer””.
BLACK CHOKER – YES
“Yes says it all! This black choker with alluring and suggestive catch phrase, answer or cry of passion will have your mate guessing whether you “want it” or whether he’s going to tell his frat brothers that you “wanted it” later. Good for wearing while getting drunk, getting dead or whining about just how unfair life is. (Margot Kidder not included) (Smoking May Cause Cancer or Sexier Than Normal Voice).
“Sitting in one spot for an entire movie is hard on the hemorrhoids. Good thing this rocking chair will keep your circulation moving (if you still have circulation) and provide quiet relaxation as you drift quietly into the afterlife. It’s the perfect place to decay comfortably or provide a creepy back drop to the end of a movie”.
ITALIAN SWISS COLONY STRAIGHT SHERRY (include Hidey Hole Book)
If you have to steal a sip every now and again, make sure it’s Italian Swiss Colony. If you don’t like sherry, you won’t remember that by the end of the movie as long as you drink every time someone takes a phone call, says Hello, says pig cunt or when a law enforcement officer does something intentionally funny. Christmas spirits are the perfect Christmas gifts. You can regift them, drink them yourself or forget that you didn’t get what you wanted anyway. Your liver will thank you even if the sorority girls in your house don’t. Easy to hide. Comes with optional book hiding spot and string for easy toilet bowl adornment”.
Pick up a bottle HERE.
A PIG (ALL PARTS INCLUDED)
“While you may just be interested in the cunt (especially when you make a phone call to some innocent coeds and feel the need to repeat that fact over and over again), the entire pig is a truly special gift. If you keep them alive, they will make a charming pet and will dazzle your family for years to come with memories of Christmas past. You might even name your big Rudolph or Clarice. If on the other hand you decide to butcher them, you’ll have enough to feed the entire family. WARNING: I strongly advise against eating the pig vagina unless you would like to be the butt of sexually charged pig jokes while playing with your Yule log” (Comes in Pink).
This concludes our Shitmas offering of the Black Christmas Wish Book for 1974. We certainly hope you’ve found the perfect gift for your loved ones and have visited with this Bob Clark classic Christmas tale in a completely unholy, irreverent way.
Thanks to Shit Movie Fest for letting me participate in one of my favorite events of the year. We wish you a Merry Shitmas and a Horny New Year!
Note that for a last minute stocking stuff you might consider a dictionary... just in case you don't know what "fellatio" means. Get this one for the deputy who can't do anything right or if John Saxon is about to assault you.