Monday, December 23, 2013


If you’ve never heard of Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol,” then get the fuck out. It’s only the most exposed story during the Christmas holidays, like, ever. As a matter of fact TBS could play Bob Clark’s “A Christmas Story” on a 24 hour loop for the next 62 years, while simultaneously blacklisting Dickens’ tale for the airwaves and “A Christmas Carol” would still hold the record for the most screen time on cable for a Christmas themed program, but I digress…

Nearsighted Quincy Magoo is at it again, this time on Broadway, and he’s got music in tow. “Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol” was the first animated special to run annually. Now I may only be 28 years old, but I didn’t need IMDb to tell me that little factoid. Truth is I’ve known about Magoo and his hijinx since I was a youngin’ sitting on my mother’s lap, bear hugging a meal out of her.

As the more hardcore audience buckles in to watch “Die Hard,” “Lethal Weapon,” “Silent Night, Deadly Night,” or any other number of flicks featuring Santa hats and mistletoe, I like to settle in with a warm cup of hot chocolate, enough cookies to make a diabetic’s foot blow off at the ankle out of protest, and learn a lesson from ole Magoo (Available on Blu-Ray, DVD, Amazon Instant, and YouTube for the casual *Freeloader’s Double Feature.)

Ringle Ringle  

Right from the start this flick will have you laughing as Magoo rushes to the theatre. After a few accidents and whimsical mishaps, Magoo takes the stage as the loveable curmudgeon Ebenezer Scrooge, as he belts out the classic tune “Ringle, RIngle.” This song is great because it teaches us that money is fucking awesome. Not only will it buy you shit that you need, or don’t need, but pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters can also make music when you shake them in the face of the homeless while laughing at their misfortune. Poor people are the worst, am I right?

I’m getting off track…

Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol follows along the same troupes as every other Scrooge tale ever told, so I’m not going to sit here and tell you about Bob Cratchit wanting to spend time with his family on the holiday, Marley’s Ghost coming back to warn Scrooge about the Three Ghosts, or the loveable gimp, Tiny Tim. That’s all a given. What I will tell you about is a few life lessons that we all (should have) learned from Magoo’s trip down past, present, and future memory lane.

Lesson number one – If you’re an old man that doesn’t see the value of having a family, being kind to others, including your loyal employees, or if you live alone and your best friend comes back from the dead in a form that doesn’t allow his feet to touch the ground, shame on you. You have not only failed at life, you’ve failed at your dreams, goals, and grandest wishes. Unless you hate everything and everyone and want to live life in the most miserable way, then I apologize, you’re doing pretty great.

Lesson number two – If when Scrooge goes back to sing the sweet duet “All Alone in the World” with his younger, innocent, lonely self you don’t immediately reach for the box of tissues normally reserved for cleaning yourself up after you’ve just jerked out a load onto your belly, then you have not only failed at life, you’ve failed at your dreams, goals, and grandest wishes. Do you see a pattern forming? Seriously though folks, how fucking depressing is a child drawing an outline of his hand on a chalkboard just so he can try to hold it. So he can attempt to feel some sort of connection with anyone or anything. A child that just wants to hear some heels “click to his clack.” Walking beside him, playing at the park, or skipping to the lunch room for a hearty meal during the school day. Who the hell wants to be alone with nothing, when they could have a friend and everything?

All Alone in the World

Final lesson – If you don’t agree with any of these lessons, this next song is probably for you. Enjoy!

We're Despicable

In summation “Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol,” though only loosely based on Dickens’ work, is the perfect Christmas movie. In 53 minutes it teaches us how to spot a troubled youth who might end up running a giant corporation, or packing enough fire power into his school locker to put the United States Marines to shame. It gives us dated, yet spot on musical tales of right and wrong. It reminds us of the values of staying humble, and a decent amount of humility. It teaches us why not to bully our peers and/or the handicapable. It also teaches us the importance of showing up to your Broadway musical on time, safely.

*Freeloader’s Double Features are brought to you by Acid Pop Cult.

- Jeremy L. Morrison

1 comment:

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