As the more hardcore audience buckles in to watch “Die Hard,” “Lethal Weapon,” “Silent Night, Deadly Night,” or any other number of flicks featuring Santa hats and mistletoe, I like to settle in with a warm cup of hot chocolate, enough cookies to make a diabetic’s foot blow off at the ankle out of protest, and learn a lesson from ole Magoo (Available on Blu-Ray, DVD, Amazon Instant, and YouTube for the casual *Freeloader’s Double Feature.)
I’m getting off track…
Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol follows along the same troupes as every other Scrooge tale ever told, so I’m not going to sit here and tell you about Bob Cratchit wanting to spend time with his family on the holiday, Marley’s Ghost coming back to warn Scrooge about the Three Ghosts, or the loveable gimp, Tiny Tim. That’s all a given. What I will tell you about is a few life lessons that we all (should have) learned from Magoo’s trip down past, present, and future memory lane.
Lesson number one – If you’re an old man that doesn’t see the value of having a family, being kind to others, including your loyal employees, or if you live alone and your best friend comes back from the dead in a form that doesn’t allow his feet to touch the ground, shame on you. You have not only failed at life, you’ve failed at your dreams, goals, and grandest wishes. Unless you hate everything and everyone and want to live life in the most miserable way, then I apologize, you’re doing pretty great.
Lesson number two – If when Scrooge goes back to sing the sweet duet “All Alone in the World” with his younger, innocent, lonely self you don’t immediately reach for the box of tissues normally reserved for cleaning yourself up after you’ve just jerked out a load onto your belly, then you have not only failed at life, you’ve failed at your dreams, goals, and grandest wishes. Do you see a pattern forming? Seriously though folks, how fucking depressing is a child drawing an outline of his hand on a chalkboard just so he can try to hold it. So he can attempt to feel some sort of connection with anyone or anything. A child that just wants to hear some heels “click to his clack.” Walking beside him, playing at the park, or skipping to the lunch room for a hearty meal during the school day. Who the hell wants to be alone with nothing, when they could have a friend and everything?
All Alone in the World
*Freeloader’s Double Features are brought to you by Acid Pop Cult.
- Jeremy L. Morrison