Sunday, December 22, 2013

Lobo Paramilitary Xmas Special (A Shitmas Post by Mitch from "Tales from the Batcave")

It seems as though all the Christmas literary classics have already been told. Frosty, Rudolph, we all know the stories by heart. Sure, there are modern books and movies that have attempted to capture the magic of the season, but something just always seems to be missing. Enter the Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special.

It’s a mere week before Christmas when Ferryt finds himself suddenly unemployed. When he brings the unfortunate news home to his wife Aurifice, the two of them realize the horror they will be facing when their children awaken to nothing under the tree on Christmas morning. Afraid for their lives, Ferryt fetches the shotgun and is about to head upstairs when they hear a knock on the door…

Fearing the children had overheard them and were attempting to flank them, the two cautiously open the door only to find a strange book lying in the snow. When they open it, to their surprise they see an ad on the very first page proclaiming that merely reading the book will keep children from ever wanting Christmas again. In fact, the book guarantees it, and on the off chance that it doesn’t work, the publisher will pay for the funeral costs of the parents. Christmas was saved! They read on…

The story stars the Main Man, Lobo, intergalactic bounty hunter and supreme baddest ass of all the bad asses. He’s on his way to a bar to meet a client about a new job. When he arrives, he’s greeted by a drunk off his ass Easter Bunny. It seems that Jolly Old Saint Nick has gotten a little too big for his britches, and Christmas’ popularity is ruining all the other holidays, so their respective representatives have pooled all their money and put a bounty on his head. Being that Santa had never been particularly good to Lobo, never bringing him anything he asked for growing up, Lobo accepts the job and sets out to assault the North Pole.

When he arrives, Lobo discovers that Jolly Old Saint Nick ain’t so Jolly after all. He’s a ruthless dictator who purposely starved his army in order to keep them small in stature, aka elvish, and he was known only as Kris “Crusher” Kringle. The elves, afraid to face Santa’s wrath, take up arms in an attempt to put an end to Lobo’s incursion. The Main Man is too much for them though, making short work of the short workers. Finally, he makes his way into Santa’s lair. It’s go time, cue the August Burns Red Christmas guitar riffs.

Lobo gives Big Bloody Nick his choice of weapons, and the fat bastard chooses blades. A good old fashioned knife fight ensues! The two go back and forth, landing their blows, neither truly gaining the upper hand. The Easter Bunny had already paid for Santa’s head though, and the Main Man always delivers. Eventually, Santa falls.

On his way out, Lobo runs across the North Pole database of all the naughty and nice names. Afraid all the kiddies on the naughty list may grow up to be potential competition for him, Lobo loads up Santa’s sleigh with bombs and sets off the visit every one of the little bastiches….

Content that this book is the answer to their Christmas quandary, Ferryt and Aurifice anxiously turn to the last page to see how it ends when they’re greeted with the following message: “ This book good for one read only. Gotcha suckers!”. Ferryt lowers his head, grabs his shotgun and heads upstairs...

With that, the literary masterpiece that is The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special comes to a close. The book originally came out way back in December of 1991, which is when I first read it. SInce then, I make an attempt to read it at least once every year during the holidays. Some people have Twas the Night Before Christmas, I have Lobo decapitating Santa Claus for the Easter Bunny. That’s just how I roll.

There has also been a pretty decent fan film adaptation of it. It’s not perfect, but it’s got some surprisingly high production values and does a good job of representing the source material. The ending changes, but it doesn’t ruin the story. In fact, I could’ve seen the book ending the exact same way. The run time on the movie is only 13 minutes, and I recommend checking it out for yourself. It even stars Andrew Bryniarski (Texas Chainsaw Massacre 03) as Lobo!

I want to take a second and thank Thomas Bryce for letting me take part in this year’s Shitmas celebration. I’ve enjoyed following along the past couple of years, so getting a chance to participate is quite the honor. Merry Fraggin Christmas ya bastiches!


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