Sunday, March 3, 2013

The Saddest Men in Metal

There are few metal acts that are both beloved by fans (who take everything the band does 100% seriously), AND are enjoyed by listeners who rejoice in a metal band's straight-faced silliness. Norwegian Black Metallers "Immortal" have somehow maintained both sets of fans effortlessly. Other bands like Manowar can only be enjoyed as parody (although their musicianship is second to none) and Death Metal vocalists like Glenn Benton and Chris Barnes will never get the joke. Immortal are sincere enough in their "Blackened Warriors from the Forests of Hell" shtick that the fantasy in always maintained, but they have enough fun with their image that they never come off as boring or out of touch with their audience. Below are clips and images from the band's career.

But first, here are a few things that have never changed throughout Immortal's 20 years of Brvtality:
1. The black and white war paint never comes off. NEVER.
2. Guitars are not instruments, they are weapons and should always be carried as such.
3. They never smile, FUCKING NEVER. If you catch even a smirk they will be cast back into the frowny abyss from whence they came.

When I think of Immortal I think of snow covered mountains, perma-frost, and THIS FUCKING VIDEO. Aside: just because you're from Hades does not mean you shouldn't use conditioner.

When not on tour the members of Immortal LARP as themselves, FACT.

Newer Immortal: A little chunkier, but no less grim. What pisses them off in this video is probably the terrible CGI. Still, killer track.

Immortal's singer from 2000 to 2003 was a bit of a pussy. Yes, I hate myself for that joke.

Here is a full concert of Immortal headlining the Wacken Open Air Festival in 2007. I guess Lita Ford cancelled at the last minute. I mean HOLY SHIT Europeans love Immortal. When they tour America they usually play "Scuzzy Jim's Bar and Gas Station", but in Europe they are fucking Taylor Swift!

Well metal maniacs (ack, ack, acks), thank you for delving into the nether-verse of cold, unadulterated bleakness with me. Who wants some ice cream!