Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Teen Witch (The Cheesetastic Cinema Club #1)

Happy New Years Everyone! Welcome to the first post of "The Cheesetastic Cinema Club", a new feature here on the blog where I feature some of my all-time favorite cheesy movies and television series  . . .

 I can't think of a better candidate to kick things off with then the 1989 film "Teen Witch"! The popularity (or rather infamy) of this movie is a direct result of the the numerous times it aired on both HBO and Cinemax in the early 90s and also the now infamous "Rap Battle" scene that I will discuss more in depth in a bit!

Teen Witch stars Robyn Lively as "Louise Miller" a geeky but cute girl who wants nothing more then to win the affection of the most popular boy in her school Brad (a poor man's Jake Ryan).
 For the most part nobody in the school even knows Louise exists save for her best friend "Polly" and and a English Teacher who has it out for her named "Mr. Weaver".

On the eve of her sixteen birthday, Louise comes in contact with fortune teller named "Madame Serena", played by Zelda Rubinstein of "Poltergeist" fame. After reading Louise' fortune, Serena explains to her that she comes from a long line of witches and when she turn 16 she will gain certain powers!

Sure as shit Serena is right and with the help of spells and a magic amulet Louise transforms herself as the most popular girl at her school . . . But at what cost?

Below are some of the many reasons I love this movie and would never be ashamed to confess said love!

#1 The Epic "Rap Battle" Scene!

One of the first things Louise does with her new powers is help her friend Polly overcome her shyness by making her "Rap Battle" her crush "Rhet"!

This scene is the stuff of legends for being one of the lamest things in the history of all things lame . . . but just try to look away . . . You Can't!

#2 The Soundtrack of Teen Witch!

Speaking of Songs, this movie is filled to the brim with cheesy but catchy tunes! Though this movie isn't classified as a musical, characters still break out in song at the drop of a hat for little to no reason.
The Songs "I Like Boys" and "Most Popular Girl" (which also duals as a montage) are the stands out of the bunch!

#3 Joshua John Miller as Louise's brother "Richie"! 

You may recognize Joshua from movies such as "Near Dark", "River's Edge" and "Class of 1999" but his turn as the annoying little brother from hell is my favorite role of his. Richie is such a creeper and he is always up to something that is sure to make your skin crawl!

#4 The Sex Ed Scene!

None of the main cast member save for "Rhet" are in this scene and you wonder how or why it even made it into the final cut of the film, but boy am I glad it did!

#5 Louise's Date with David!

Louise goes out on a date with this scumbag named David, Louise makes him disappear after he tries to force sex on her . . . Yes he vanishes into thing air and never even brought up again for the rest of the movie lol

I couldn't find the scene in English, but here it is in Spanish and it's somehow even sillier!

#6 The Mr. Weaver Voodoo Doll!

All throughout the movie Louise's English teacher breaks her stones, as revenge for reading her private diary passage out loud in front of the class she makes a Voodoo Doll of him that makes him strip while teaching class. The follow up scene of him going to a car wash is even better!

#7 The PG 13 Sex Scene between Brad and Louise!

This scene is a laugh riot and comes off as something you would see in a Skinemax Softcore Porn late at night . . . right down to that smooth Jazzy score!

Towards the last act of the movie our Teen Witch realizes that with great power comes great responsibility or some bullshit. She won Brad's Love, but sadly lost Polly's friendship in the process! In the end Louise chooses not use her power anymore, ditches her amulet, and then finds that Brad actually liked her all along! Awwww how cute, but really anyone would be a total fool not to realize that Robyn Lively was a total babe from the get go!

Well any way I hope you enjoyed my first post for "The Cheesetastic Cinema Club", I'll be back with another cheese platter soon enough!

* Fun Fact *
At first this film was going to be a Spinoff of the popular "Teen Wolf" movie, as you can see below the original art even copies the Teen Wolf font!

- Tom

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