Thursday, December 26, 2013

The Shitmas 2013 Round Up!

Thanks again everyone for making the third edition of "Shitmas" a HUGE Success! There's no way any of this would be possible without the help of all those that wrote up their posts and also shared them all over social media! I had a lot of fun this year reading everything and once again finding out about some cool Holiday films that I've never knew about in the process!
Below you will find a link to every post along with a link to each person's respected website/page . . .

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Lethal Weapon Director’s Cut (A Shitmas Post from Steve Johnson of "Icon vs. Icon"!)

The last time I talked to you guys, I was educating you on the pure awesomeness of John McClane’s exploits in ‘Die Hard 2’.  Sure there are plenty more ‘Die Hard’ movies to review, but lets face it, the Christmas element was dropped and they slowly became steaming piles of shit.  So I’m going to take you back to Los Angeles and the Christmas season by familiarizing you guys with a little film from 1987 called ‘Lethal Weapon’.

I know what you are thinking, how the hell is ‘Lethal Weapon’ a Christmas movie?  It opens up to Jingle Bell Rock for god’s sake, so shut the hell up.  We begin this spectacle with some nice t&a and drug use.  This movie already screams the Christmas season.  The next thing you know this drugged out piece of ass takes a header off of the balcony and destroys what looks like a perfectly good Chrysler LeBaron.  Damn Richard Donner, you sure do know how to get this guy’s attention.

Vault Master’s Top Ten “Killer” cinematic gifts for your arch-nemesis! (A Shitmas Post from The B-Movie Film Vault)

It’s been ages since I’ve taken part in a blog-a-thon, roundtable, or team-up event online, so I was pretty excited when I was invited to take part in this year’s 25 Days of Shit-Mas celebration! (Hosted by Shit Movie Fest!) I wanted in, but the one thing that almost stopped me from joining in on the festivities was a complete lack of ideas. Most of the films I considered reviewing were already spoken for, so I wanted to try and bring something fresh to the table.
Shitmas banner 2012
Click the banner to read Christmas-themed reviews and articles!
And then it happened: Whilst listening to Christmas music on a hellish loop at work, a random idea popped into my head, and produced a grinchy smile on my face. “What would I give someone I truly hated for Christmas?” By the end of my shift, the idea had evolved further into “What item, that only exists in the cinematic universe, would I gift to my arch nemesis?” After some brainstorming and note making, I had a pretty sizable list of deadly toys, pets, snacks, puzzles, and books that I had to narrow down to a solid ten items.
In the end, I hacked the mighty list down to ten items representing nearly every category of Christmas gift you can imagine. And here they are in no particular order:

How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (A Shitmas Post from Neil Whitley of HATEmale Clothing)

Christmas is the season of jolly & cheer!
Families come together, grab a mug of steaming hot cocoa fulla' marshmallows, and nestle up next to a warm fire to watch holiday films. But if Christmas is all about holiday joy, then why has the greedy, conniving, and holiday-hating "Mr. Grinch" become as iconic as Rudolph -- Santa Claus even? It’s because inside everyone, there is a small part of us that can get absolutely infuriated with this particular holiday season.

"Wanted: Santa Claus -- Dead or Alive" AKA The Time Batman Saved Christmas

"Wanted: Santa Claus -- Dead or Alive" is a short Batman comic originally printed in 1980 inside "The Super-Star Holiday Special (DC Special Series #21)", but can be more easily read in the Batman graphic novel "The Greatest Stories Ever Told #1" from 2005. The story was written by Denny O'Neil and drawn by comic legend and incontinent curmudgeon Frank Miller.

This tale follows the Dark Knight through Gotham, just before Christmas, looking for the answer to a mysterious boat along Gotham's pier. For whatever reason this question is ignored after the first 2 pages, but that's alright because the Caped Crusader ends up at a rundown shopping mall, where their Santa is not who he seems. The Bat then decides to beat the hell of out everyone!

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

A Madea Christmas (A Shitmas Post from Tom Coombs Jr.)

"How Many Cancer jokes and Klansmen can a Christmas movie have?"
"A Madea Christmas" Review By Thomas Coombs Jr.
I've been a fan of movies since I was a young boy, even as a lad I wanted to be a critic. When my friend Thomas needed somebody to review "A Madea Christmas" all the thoughts of wanting to be a critic came flooding should have ended there.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (A Shitmas Post from Heath Rhoads)

A Black Shitmas: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and the Shane Black Christmas Experience . . .

For me, I don’t think that anyone in Hollywood quite embodies the spirit of Shitmas more than writer/director Shane Black. The one-time hottest screenwriter in Hollywood, who helped bring us such 80’s/90’s classics as Lethal Weapon 1&2, The Monster Squad, The Last Boy Scout, Last Action Hero and The Long Kiss Night (or maybe he’s even better remembered for his acting role as Hawkins, the pussy joke loving member of Arnold’s commando team in Predator), he is definitely a man who had a distinctive style. A big fan of film noir and pulp novels, he was able to deftly blend these influences, including snappy, smart-ass dialogue and plot devices (flawed heroes, evil bosses, henchmen and kidnappings are all usually involved in his scripts in some way) with a dark, self-referential sense of humor and an undermining of audience expectations to really turn the action genre, or, more specifically, the action “buddy” genre, on its head at the time. It seems like most people either love or hate his style, just look at the scorn he earned from some Marvel fan boys for this past summer’s Iron Man 3. I’m not going to say that his work is without its flaws, but I personally always have a fun time with his films. Plus, they make great off-beat holiday viewing in that a few of them take place during the Christmas season!
Mr. Black removed himself from the Hollywood system in the late 90’s citing mounting pressure and burnout on the type of scripts he was expected to produce.  I know I often wondered back then whatever became of the guy. That was until he burst back on the scene in the mid-2000’s having written (and directed) his ultimate tribute to the films that helped define his style, 2005’s darkly comedic neo-noir, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.  I’ve been a big fan of this film since I saw it theatrically and love to still occasionally give it a watch, especially around the holidays. I find it to not only be a terrifically smart and humorous murder mystery AND a sly take-down of the Hollywood machine, but also an important film as it pertains to today’s movie scene.  Kiss Kiss Bang Bang helped relaunch the career (for better or worse depending on how you view him) of one Mr. Robert Downey Jr.

Monday, December 23, 2013

The Opie & Anthony Show's Homeless Shopping Spree! (A Shitmas Post from Thomas Kay)

There are many Christmas traditions: Peanuts, Rudoloh & Frosty cartoon specials, tons of holiday sales, and family gatherings a plenty. But for four random years, The Opie & Anthony Show had a holiday tradition of their own: The Homeless Shopping Spree.

The "shock jock" radio show would collect about a dozen of the homeless from the streets and subways of NYC, all with code names and interesting personalities, give them $100 each, paired them up with stand-up comedian "handlers" and unleashed them on one unsuspecting mall in the New York/New Jersey area.
During the broadcast, once the mall was announced, hundreds of fervent O&A fans(and state troopers) would rush towards the shopping complex to get in on the mayhem, which would normally include stores closing their gates(with the crowd loudly chanting LET THE HOMELESS SHOP) and pictures with an annoyed Santa Claus.
The focus here is the 2001 edition of the Homeless Shopping Spree, where I find that the most hilarity ensued. 
I could go on and on about what happened, but it would be better for you to listen for yourself. I've included a link where you can either download the whole show(just right click the link and hit download) just just go directly to the site and listen directly.
So if you have the time, sit back, grab a nice beverage, and listen to one of the funniest seasonal radio broadcasts I've ever heard, and have a very Merry Christmas.

Link To The Show:

- Thomas Kay


If you’ve never heard of Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol,” then get the fuck out. It’s only the most exposed story during the Christmas holidays, like, ever. As a matter of fact TBS could play Bob Clark’s “A Christmas Story” on a 24 hour loop for the next 62 years, while simultaneously blacklisting Dickens’ tale for the airwaves and “A Christmas Carol” would still hold the record for the most screen time on cable for a Christmas themed program, but I digress…

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (A Shitmas Post from Bucky Schuyler of Horror Sci-fi and More!)

First off I would like to thank Shit Movie Fest for this opportunity for being a part of this lovely event and hopefully try and not screw this up too badly seeing as I have only done something like this a few times before and they were mostly horror, sci-fi or fantasy based films.

Now the movie is based off the C.S. Lewis novel The Chronicle of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. Now alot of people say this book is infact the second novel of the 7 part series as the first book is truly infact  The Magician's Nephew. But to me I don't really care for what certain fans say or what Harper Collins says the first book to me is the one I read when I was a kid and that was this one. Now the film was co-produced by both Walden Media and Walt Disney Pictures. The fact that Disney got into this scenario was they wanted to jump onto the Harry Potter ship that was already sailing. Disney would help make the second novel a film (Prince Caspian) but due to its horrible box office draw they decided that after that they were no longer going to make another Narnia film, leaving walden Media to shop around til they landed at 20th Century Fox to make the third novel a film (The Voyage of the Dawn Treader). Now I'm done giving everyone a boring ass history lesson here so lets get into the movie!!!

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Santa's Slay (A Shitmas Post from Lord Battle of The Overlook Theatre)

    5 of 5 viewers "Liked" "Santa's Slay" (Canada/USA, 2005)
    Here's what the citizens of the Overlook Theatre had to say:

    Lord Battle - "Santa's Slay is a Christmas miracle! Goldberg is an awesome viking Santa." - 5 Stars

    Book Wyrm - "Definitely better than those lame Christmas specials. They're not pushing morals at you but at the same time, they do. It was witty, funny, and entertaining. Definitely a Christmas classic." - 5 Stars

    Huntress - "A yuletide romp threw the perfect blend of camp, gore, and comic lines that I will definitely enjoy again." - 5 Stars

    The Great Hornito - "Everything about this movie was awesome. Goldberg played the best role by a pro wrestler since Roddy Piper in "They Live". Filled with raunchy, witty, silly humor and non stop action and cool kill scenes. An extra bonus to this masterpiece was that Glenn Cocco from "Mean Girls" helped in the making of this movie." - 5 Stars

    Ice Giant - "Every kill was awesome and unique, the one liners were cheesy in a good way, this is a new Christmas tradition." - 5 Stars

Lobo Paramilitary Xmas Special (A Shitmas Post by Mitch from "Tales from the Batcave")

It seems as though all the Christmas literary classics have already been told. Frosty, Rudolph, we all know the stories by heart. Sure, there are modern books and movies that have attempted to capture the magic of the season, but something just always seems to be missing. Enter the Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special.

It’s a mere week before Christmas when Ferryt finds himself suddenly unemployed. When he brings the unfortunate news home to his wife Aurifice, the two of them realize the horror they will be facing when their children awaken to nothing under the tree on Christmas morning. Afraid for their lives, Ferryt fetches the shotgun and is about to head upstairs when they hear a knock on the door…

Fearing the children had overheard them and were attempting to flank them, the two cautiously open the door only to find a strange book lying in the snow. When they open it, to their surprise they see an ad on the very first page proclaiming that merely reading the book will keep children from ever wanting Christmas again. In fact, the book guarantees it, and on the off chance that it doesn’t work, the publisher will pay for the funeral costs of the parents. Christmas was saved! They read on…

Home Alone (A Shitmas Post by BJ Colangelo of Day of the Woman & Icons of Fright)

HOME ALONE: by BJ Colangelo of Day Of The Woman & Icons of Fright

I was born and bred in the Chicago ‘burbs and John Hughes movies were a pivotal part of growing up.  For most of us over the age of 20, John Hughes’ filmography gave a voice to whatever we were feeling throughout our life transitions.  I’ve been fortunate to have danced in the library that held THE BREAKFAST CLUB, I’ve twist and shouted during a Thanksgiving parade a la FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF, and I passed Neal Page’s home from PLANES, TRAINS, AND AUTOMOBILES every day on my way to work for over three years.  John Hughes movies are an important staple in the lives of any film lover, but for the residents of Chicago and it’s suburbs…it was truly a slice of our lives.  Which brings me to (in my opinion) the greatest John Hughes movie ever made, HOME ALONE.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

A Muppet Family Christmas (A Shitmas Post by Jeff Mahady)

When it comes to the Muppets and Christmas everyone’s go to has always been The Muppet Christmas Carol. Rightfully so, but a lot of people don’t know or have forgotten about the gem that is the 1987 holiday TV special A Muppet Family Christmas. I remember my parents taping this off of TV for me. Somehow this Christmas classic ended up as part of a homemade VHS double feature with Conan The Destroyer. Makes complete sense to me or at least the 10 year old me. 
This hour long special finds the Muppets heading to Fozzie Bear’s mother’s house, uninvited, for the holidays.  Seems that Fozzie’s mother (Ma Bear) has her own plans as she’s packing for Malibu. Probably heading to some Muppet swingers resort. So to make some extra coin Ma Bear has rented her house out for the holidays to Doc and Sprocket from Fraggle Rock. Crossover alert!!  

Christmas Vacation (A Shitmas Post from Frank Browning)

“The Most Quoted/Quotable Christmas Movie EVER Made” OR 
“National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”

By Frank “THE GROCKLE” Browning
Oh man, where to begin. I’ve so much to say from so many angles on this one I scarcely know where to start…So, how does one put into words the awesomeness that is National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation?  There are SO many awesome things to consider in this gem, so I’ma just get to ‘em as we go along. I hope to Gandhi’s hiney that everyone’s seen this movie by now. This beast has been out for over 20 years. If you haven’t seen it, prepare for spoilers and ridicule galore.
I watched this movie once a day, every day, for an entire year in 1994. Well, I’d watch the first 20 minutes of it as I drifted off to sleep. I did the same thing with T2 in 1996. Don’t ask…
As is necessary, my family and I give this film multiple viewings each holiday season. However, for reasons unknown, we’ve been watching this film almost daily since Halloween and have easily watched it 50 times. The multiple viewings have allowed me to notice a few things, which I will point out later, that the casual viewer may not notice.
First off, I’ll give an uber-quick rundown (and a look of extreme disappointment) to anyone who needs it. The Griswold family skewers the Yuletide season as they prepare to invite numerous dysfunctional relatives into the household to celebrate Christmas. Oh, and a cat gets vaporized. Fires and Squirrels and Chainsaws, OH MY!
As is customary in my world, it is imperative that I spend some time on the awesome cast. 

Friday, December 20, 2013

The Family Man (A Shitmas Post from Chris Tanski)

 In the 90’s Nicolas Cage was at the top of his game. High grosses and high paychecks made Mr. Cage one of the top draws. He broke out of his action movie milieu and decided to give lighthearted comedy his touch of Cageisms. On December 22nd in the year 2000 of our lord with the help of the much-maligned Brett Ratner, the motion picture The Family Man was released. 

Silent Night, Deadly Night (A Shitmas Post from Jesse Bartel)

SILENT NIGHT,  DEADLY NIGHT: You Got Your Sex in My Violence 
(Poster via Cinema Overdrive)

Silent Night, Deadly Night is the most talked about holiday themed horror film outside of Halloween (the holiday, not the movie. But the movie, too. Oh, whatever.). It is one of those films that proves that bad movies can go on to be great movies and stir up the populace with its gratuitous content. A film that made Siskel and Ebert read off the names of everyone involved with the film and say, “Shame, shame” is a film worth taking a look at. What’s fun about the film is that it ties in some dark, psychological elements that were either completely intended or an accident. It’s not to say that my post is trying to find hidden “meaning” in a film that is essentially splatter-porn, it’s about having fun with the innards of Silent Night, Deadly Night

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Trainwreck Cinema's Bonus Christmas Episode of "Elves" (Shitmas Video from Heather Seebach)

Below is a video of "Trainwreck Cinema" that Heather Seebach has made exclusively for this year's Shitmas Event here at the Blog! Heather who runs the website "*Viewer Discretion Advised" choose the Shitacular 80s Film "Elves" as her target and the results are hilarious!

If you like what you seen in that video you can follow Heather at the following links: (Website) (Facebook) (Twitter) (Youtube Channel)

Thanks again Heather for taking part in this year's Shitmas!

- Tom

The BLACK CHRISTMAS WISH BOOK FOR THE 1974 CHRISTMAS SEASON (A Special Shitmas Post from Doc Terror)

When I was a kid we used to get the big ol’ Sears Wish Book. It was basically Sears’ chance to show kids what they could ever hope to put on their wish list to Santa Claus. Think of it as a way to pad or expand upon things you already knew you wanted. The Wish Book was a way to discover the new, cool toy or revisit old favorites. I remember finding a Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist doll on those pages, asking for it, getting it and then letting it terrorize me for the next year. I also remember putting an $800 robot on my list. I truly thought I had a chance at that. I mean, I had been REALLY good that year. Then there was the time after Christmas after reading My Side of the Mountain where I used the Wish Book to devise a plan to go live in a tree in the woods. I had all the necessary items picked out from the book; all the tools you could want. It was a cumbersome load, but hey, it’d fit all in my backpack right?
The Wish Book is a fond memory for me, one that I don’t believe children have the luxury to explore. Sears’ phonebook of toys and gifts has turned into electronic Amazon wish lists and circulars for Black Friday sales that start on Thanksgiving. It’s a pity, but it was fun while it last and in the interest of conserving paper I guess we won’t print up this here Wish Book either. That damn toy catalog may be one of the few reasons I dislike the slogan, “Go Green”, but let’s given the old Wish Book one more go. This time, it’s more of a focused effort. This time the Wish Book is related to a classic piece of horror cinema directed by Santa's helper himself, Bob Clark. This year we bring you the Black Christmas Edition of the Wish Book from 1974.
About this little movie Black Christmas (you should already know all of this, horror people!). It's one of the earliest Christmas horror movies not focusing on Santa himself, but rather surrounding a sorority under attack by a lewd prank phone caller who has seemingly infilitrated their house and is picking the lovely coeds off methodically using exceptionally amusing, slasher-like kill methods. It's widely considered to be the first if not one of the first slasher pictures. Directed by Bob Clark (director of A Christmas Story), Black Christmas is a piece of horror gone amazingly right with stunning visuals, an avant-garde creepfest of a score from Carl Zittrer and starring John Saxon, Keir Dullea, Olive Hussey and Margot Kidder.
Please enjoy the Black Christmas Edition of the Wish Book from 1974.
Merry Shitmas!

Night of the Comet (A Shitmas Post from John Tatarelli Jr.)

“Since before recorded time it had swung through the universe in an elliptical orbit so large that its very existence remained a secret of time and space…..but now in the last few years of the twentieth century the visitor was returning.”

            “The citizens of earth would get an extra Christmas present this year as their planet orbited through the tail of the comet. Scientists predicted a light show of stellar proportions, something not seen on earth for 65 million years, indeed, not since the time that the dinosaurs disappeared…..virtually overnight. There were a few who saw this as more than just a coincidence, but most didn’t.”

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

And All Through The House . . . (A Shitmas Post from Jimmy Squarejaw)

.... And All Through The House 
From the Comic to the Screen by Jimmy Squarejaw

The Christmas horror story ....And All Through The House is an essential indulgence for me every holiday season.  Whether I pull out the ol’ Vault of Horror comic originally released by EC Comics in early 1954, pop in the DVD for Amicus Films’ horror anthology, Tales From the Crypt, from 1972, or watch the HBO episode originally released in June 1989, it sets the mood for the special time of year when the air gets crisp, Nat King Cole is played in every store in America, and you never know if there is a six-foot-three-inch, 210 pound lunatic with shaggy black hair dressed in a Santa costume lingering outside your house.  No kids it’s not drunk uncle Steve lurking in the shadows with his penis full of the coagulated semen he hasn’t used all year……it’s someone else!

If you take in all three versions of .....And All Through The House you will see each version has little nuances that make each interpretation unique and interesting enough to watch or read on their own.  The original story, written and drawn by Johnny Craig appeared in the February-March 1954 issue of Vault of Horror.  The misleading cover shows a woman gasping at a casket maliciously placed in front of the Christmas tree with a card dangling from it’s lid reading “Merry Christmas, To My Wife.”  While taking that message in the woman seems to be otherwise oblivious to her husband standing behind her with an axe cocked back behind his head ready to swing like a steroid pumped Mark McGuire.
I guess that’s a little more scary but less practical than hanging condoms full of caviar with staples shot through the tips around my wife’s place.  But that wasn’t a warning honey, that was a message god damn it!  

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

The Silent Partner (A Shitmas Post from Justin LaLiberty)

There are more than a few non-traditional Christmas flicks that I like to watch every year but few are quite as nasty (or surprisingly unheard of) as 1978’s THE SILENT PARTNER. Adapted from Anders Bodelsen’s novel by a then young and unknown Curtis Hanson and directed by Daryl Duke who was mainly known for his TV work, it didn’t have much going for it behind the camera. But in front of it you get Elliot Gould, Christopher Plummer and Susannah York as well as a whole bunch of gratuitous T&A, surprisingly brutal violence and a rather competent crime yarn. 
THE SILENT PARTNER opens with a great title screen featuring a bunch of folks in Santa/holiday gear which leads into establishing the mall location that the major plot elements will take place in. Elliot Gould plays a teller in a mall bank while Christopher Plummer plays a mall Santa ringing a bell for charitable donations. Gould suspects that Plummer is up to something and, sure enough, he is. Plummer enters the bank and hands Gould a note stating that he has a gun and he wants all of the cash. And this is where it gets fun. 
On paper, THE SILENT PARTNER sounds like a fairly safe Elmore Leonard-esque crime story filled with clear cut good buys and bad guys, but it is far from that. Rather than handing over all of the cash to Plummer’s angry Santa, Gould stashes some of it. What he does with it and what his intentions are, I won’t spoil. What I will spoil is that Plummer’s attempted robbery turns into a brief mall shoot out that plays out as if BAD SANTA and COMMANDO combined in a fit of holiday aggression. It doesn’t amount to much carnage but it is far from safe. 
Following all of this, we are shown how sadistic a fuck that Plummer’s character is. Now sans Santa suit, we get to see the Plummer that we actually recognize only to see him angrily pinch a topless gal’s nipple and then step on her face in a sauna. Yeah, this one means business. And that’s not even the worst of it, but I’ll leave the rest of it for you to find out. 
The rest of the runtime (which is a nicely balanced 106 minutes) is primarily focused on the two leads playing each other. One wants the money that the other has and will do anything to get it, and the other will do anything to keep it. With Susannah York getting involved (and naked) in the proceedings as well. This isn’t an action film but that doesn’t keep it from getting as rough as it does, and a couple scenes do feature some tastelessly brutal violence towards women. It ends up sitting comfortably between a gritty heist film and a paranoia infused thriller and it works better than it should, likely thanks primarily to the cast who are all in top form and seem to be having great fun with the material. 
A Merry Shitmas note: the holiday material is primarily focused to the first scenes, even though you’ll see a decoration here and there throughout. Still, Christopher Plummer as a bank-robbing Santa with a penchant for nipple pinching and face stomping is hard to pass up. ‘Tis the seaon. 

- Justin LaLiberty

2 Christmas "Twilight Zone" Episodes (A Shitmas Post from Monster Mary)

Okay, so last year my Batman Returns Review was rather lengthy.  So this year I am going to try my best to keep it short and sweet. Try being the operative word.  I decided to review 2 Twilight Zone Christmas episodes.  I was introduced to The Twilight Zone and Alfred Hitchcock presents at an early age, probably 4 or 5 years old.  And both series have always held a special place in my heart.  They are feel good shows even though some TZ episodes tend to be on a more depressing note.  But they are real story telling, showing people’s real struggles and demises while teaching a life lesson by the end of the episode.  

Monday, December 16, 2013

Just Friends (A Shitmas Post from Jay of The Sexy Armpit)

"...Jersey's not my idea of a good time" - Chris Brander

Horror movies don't scare me. Romcoms? YES. I don't even like saying that word let alone typing it. Much like the way Lydia called upon Beetlejuice, the remote possibility exists that if you say the word romcom 3 times you will suck yourself into a sappy, horribly written and acted Lifetime movie. I'm a guy, and from my perspective, if you have to suffer through a holiday romcom with your significant other, why not make it a bearable one? Better yet, how about one that's more than bearable, it's actually funny? For your Christmas...uh...I mean SHITMAS viewing pleasure, I suggest you give 2005's JUST FRIENDS a watch this holiday season.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

MARRIED … WITH CHRISTMAS (A Shitmas Post from The Tavern of Terror!)

In the late eighties, the sitcom Christmas special was always a sappy, nostalgia-riddled stocking full of drivel. They made you feel all warm and fuzzy to the point of nausea. Nowadays, with American Dad and It’s Always Sunny and other such hilariously crass television shows, the Christmas special can contain graphic violence, manic depression, perverted sex and hardcore drug abuse.

But in the late eighties such a thing would be shocking.

That’s where Married … With Children came in.

They were already making waves on the renegade Fox network with their bitter take on married life, when in their second season they decided to air their first Christmas episode “You Better Watch Out”. The plot of the episode is so dark that to this very day they still run a cautionary disclaimer before airing it.

Married… With Children, with leading curmudgeon Al Bundy as the perfect antithesis of the spirit of Christmas, went on to do five more sinister Christmas specials during their eleven season arch, and every holiday season I revisit them and laugh just like it was the first time.

When Tom from Shit Movie Fest invited back for the third annual Shitmas Special, I knew exactly what I wanted to do: provide his good readers with a countdown list of the Married… With Children Christmas Specials, so you too could experience of Bundy funday. Seeing how you can now buy the entire series boxed set on DVD for around fifty bucks, this could be the gift that keeps on giving every year.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure (A Shitmas Post from Freddy in Space)

If the term Shitmas ever ends up alongside twerking and selfies in the dictionary, I’m willing to bet the definition attached to it will be word-for-word the description on the back of the DVD case that I’m about to urinate on and toss into my garbage can.
National Lampoon’s decades-later pseudo-sequel to Christmas Vacation is the absolute embodiment of the word Shitmas, and when I realized it hadn’t yet been covered over the years during Shit Movie Fest’s annual holiday festivities, I knew that my fate was set in stone; I was going to have to drink a shit-ton of spiked egg nog, endure the 83-minute runtime, and then spend another several hours trying to get my alcohol soaked brain to tell my fingers the proper keys to hit, hopefully forming some sort of an intelligible review in the process.

Truthfully, there’s no other way I’d rather spend a Saturday night.  And even if I wake up tomorrow morning hungover with my head sewn to the carpet – a very real possibility, given how many times I’ve already re-filled my trusty moose mug -  I’ve promised myself I won’t regret it.  Anything in the name of Shitmas, I say.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

The Children (A Shitmas Post from Ryne Barber of The Moon is a Dead World)

The Children

Tom Shankland’s horror film The Children joins the ranks of movies that feature killer kids, the same kind of tots that should be excited for the Christmas season because they’re going to be receing iPad Airs and PlayStation 4s and other things that even I can’t afford to buy myself. What’s wrong with these kids? They should be pumped about all the crazy gifts they’re receiving!

To be fair, though, The Children actually takes place after Christmas, right before New Year’s Day. Perhaps the kids had had enough of shoddy toys made from wood that Daddy tried to throw together right before Christmas Day, or maybe they were snubbed a Red Ryder BB Gun for the third year in a row. Whatever the case, the kids in the film are seriously not happy with their parents or really anyone at all, and they begin to revolt during a fairly calm Christmas vacation.

Jack Frost . . . The Scarier Michael Keaton One! (A Shitmas Post from Bill Brock)

It Came From Netflix Streaming

Jack Frost 

Every other year it seems a movie studio will release a new Christmas movie that they hope will catch on like A Christmas Story or It's a Wonderful Life or Lethal Weapon.  On rare occasion something like National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation comes along and folks just watch the absolute shit out of it.  Mostly we end up with The Polar Express, a horrible CGI trip into the uncanny valley that ABC Family pushes every damned year.  

Jack Frost was 1998's attempt and, man, it is terrible . . .

Friday, December 13, 2013

Enter To Win A "New Year's Evil" Poster from Quiltface Studios . . .

Call me Eee-vil!
The poster you see above is from Quiltface Studios and was made exclusively for The Colonial Theatre 35mm screening of "New Year's Evil" on 12/13/13!
It's a Signed & Number Edition of 20, and this poster is 18x24 with 3-color screen print with metallic silver ink on Electric Red French Paper!

If this something you would like to hang on in your home or office, just follow the contest rules below . . .

To Enter For This "New Year's Evil" Poster Give-A-Way . . .
First I ask for you to please Like the Quiltface FaceBook Page which can be found right (HERE)  
After doing that please come on back to this Contest Page and Post In The Comments Section telling us a little about what you like about the film "New Year's Evil" or what would have been a good tag line for a sequel to this movie e.g "New Year's Evil 2: Tick of the Clock". . .

That's All There Is To It!

The Deadline for this Give-A-Way is Midnight December 31st! 
So have your entry in by then and please also include your Email Address in your Comment so Eee-vil can reach you if you Won! All entries will be given a Number and a Winner will be picked out using the Quick Random Number Generator App on my phone, so best of luck and thanks playing!

* PS. be on the lookout for the other giveaway here on the page from Chris featuring his poster for last year's screening of "Black Christmas"!

"Black Christmas" Contest . . .

* Bonus
For an extra chance to win just Re-tweet this tweet that's dated (8:57 AM - 12/13/13) over at my Twitter Page . . .

- Tom 

P2 (A Shitmas Post from Manny of Mass Graves Pictures)

Here we are again, another year of Shitmas! Three years running, and going strong! It's become a tradition at this point for me to write a review, and this year I'm gonna do one I wanted to write since the first year, but saw others were already doing it: P2. It’s one of those movies I enjoy thoroughly, and can watch over and over again. The premise is so simple and classic, that it will be done over and over again, in many ways, for a long time to come; A victim trapped in a desolate location by a crazed maniac with no way of escaping. The difference here, which makes this so unique is that the location itself is far from desolate, yet the filmmakers found a way to keep the victim trapped.

Son of Celluloid’s Top Ten Ghoultide Tunes (A Special Shitmas Post from Nathan Hamilton)

Ah, it’s Christmas time again.  The season of gifts, pretty twinkling lights, goodwill towards men, and godawful music!  Don’t look at me like that.  You know we’re all thinking it.  There’s only so much Time Life Classics and Mannheim Steamroller a fright fan can take.  If I hear All I Want For Christmas Is You or anything about Grandma and reindeer one more damn time we’re gonna have a Christmassacre on our hands.  So, I’m here to save the musical holiday spirit for all of us demented horror freaks.  What follows is a bloody alternative to Bing and Burl.  The Son of Celluloid has collected 10 Noel nightmares that will both celebrate the spirit of the season and scratch your itch for the macabre (no pun intended).  So, waddaya say we trade our chestnuts for chainsaws and sing some slaying songs tonight!

1. Christopher Lee – Little Drummer Boy

Sample Lyrics – 
It’s Little Drummer Boy.  You already know the words.

Let’s start this off with a tune that sounds like an idea you’d concoct in a state of eggnog-induced delirium.  Christopher Lee - yes, THAT Christopher Lee - teams up with a symphonic metal band to bring us a bizarre version of Little Drummer Boy.  Sir Christopher hooked up with some of his metalhead minions to put out a two song EP of holiday tunes last year.  Silent Night is pretty good, but this one is the real winner.  Dracula's regal voice booming over a galloping beat and chugging guitars?  It may sound like an odd pairing, but dammit, somehow it works.

Roadkill Entertainment's You Better Watch Out! (A SMF Shitmas Review)

When I first seen John Squires aka Freddy in Space post a picture on his page a few months back about a new Holiday Horror film called "You Better Watch Out!", I knew that I had to reach out to the film makers Jay Byrne and Michael Welch (aka Roadkill Entertainment) about reviewing it for Shitmas!

"You Better Watch Out" combines two of my favorite types of films in our beloved Horror Genre . .  Slashers and Anthologies to form the perfect blend of Seasonal Screams that can be enjoyed all year round but is perfect for a November/December Viewing!

There are 3 different stories featured in the anthology, each taking place during a different Holiday (Halloween, Christmas, and New Years) with the wraparound that connects them taking place on Thanksgiving Day. The plot is 3 friends (Rich, Lori, and Steve) who gather early each year for Thanksgiving Dinner, have a Horror Story Competition before the rest of the guests arrive at the house. The winner of the competition gets to tell their tale to the rest of the group later in the evening!

Thursday, December 12, 2013

The Holiday Adventures of Tony Stark and Cowboy Short Round AKA Iron Man 3 (A Shitmas Post from Chad)

Ever since Marvel Studio’s “The Avengers” rocked the all time box office in 2012, the world has asking 2 questions. 1) What’s next in phase 2? 2) Will Thor and Loki finally satisfy the fantasy of every fan girl on the planet? They answer one of these with Iron Man 3 (2013).

Iron Man 3 takes place right after the events of the Avengers, Christmas time to be specific. New franchise director Shane Black does that with a lot of his films (the man has a hard on for the holiday…Go figure!). Our hero Tony Downey Stark Jr suffers from Post-traumatic stress disorder, as a result horrible flashbacks and nightmares keep him up at night. Instead of binge watching Breaking Bad on Netflix like a normal person, Tony spends his sleepless nights creating and building new Iron Man suits incase of another alien attack.

On the other end of the planet we have our villain, The Mandarin (played by Sir Ben Kingsley). A terrorist with a commanding presence who broadcasts bombings and live executions of his enemies. If you’re a fan of the comic you might notice that The Mandarin is not very...How do I put this…Mandarin? According to the source material, the character The Mandarin has always been a man of Asian decent (specifically Chinese). Here he looks more Middle Eastern. Now they’re multiple possible reasons for this change and I can think of 3.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Trading Places (A Shitmas Post from Tiffany Santiago)

25 days of Shitmas presents Trading Places, a retrospective by Tiffany Santiago

When I think of the movie Trading Places, not only is it one of the funniest movies ever made but I also think of a great time where racism had no boundaries in film, and how Jaime Lee Curtis had the most perfect breasts I have ever seen! I also look at this John Landis directed masterpiece and it's incredible cast and I think to myself "This shit is just as funny now, as it was 30 years ago!!"
Trading Places is a 1983 film directed by the genius John Landis who also directed such gems as An American Werewolf in London, Animal House, Blues Brothers, and Coming to America. It stars a young Eddie Murphy as a down on his luck street hustler who trades places with commodities broker rich boy Dan Aykroyd due to a bet placed by two old bored cheapskate millionaires the Duke brothers, played awesomely by Ralph Bellamy and Don Ameche. Eddie Murphy plays Billy ray Valentine whose life goes from rags to riches over night and Dan Aykroyd who plays Louis Winthorpe who loses everything with the help of Paul Gleason (principal in Breakfast Club) who plays tough guy hood Clarence Beeks. So needless to say all hilarity ensues! Throw in hysterical dialogue with great comedic timing plus Jaime Lee Curtis and her perfect breasts and you've got an awesome movie! Trading Places is easily in my top 5 favorite movies ever!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Silent Night (A Shitmas Post from JP Wendel of Death Blog)

You know something that's always bugged me about Christmas movies? I'll tell you; it's always bothered me that every holiday film is blanketed in 6 inches of snow. I live in the Deep South where snow is simply not something that happens, and watching these movies kinda feels like having our collective noses rubbed in that fact. It sucks that instead of our lights reflecting across fresh powder, we have to settle for them twinkling dully against dead, brown grass and dozens of mud puddles. Silent Night, the remake of beloved killer Santa cult classic Silent Night Deadly Night (no, I don't know why they dropped the second half of the title), perfectly captures this landscape of melancholy despite taking place in the far and distant land of snowy Michigan. 

Monday, December 9, 2013

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation (Shitmas Poster from Guts and Grog)

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation- Brian Yuzna

Brian Yuzna came along and was like "yeah I'll make SNDN4 but instead of Christmas I am gonna fill it with bugs and witches." (*may not be an accurate quote)
A lady jumps off a building while being on fire. Clint Howard (who plays Ricky, not sure how that works) finds a burger with no cheese. He is pissed. A newspaper worker decides she wants to be a real reporter so she investigates and ends up getting sucked into a world where the cast of The View chases her down, gives her an insect facial and invites The Applegates over. Her vagina pukes and she is transformed into a combination of Belial and Grant Grant.  
This gets a lot of hate and I don't get it. It is nothing like the other films. It can't be compared to the other films. It is full of slimy, splattery awesome that only Yuzna can bring. The score is done by Full Moon favorite Richard Band and it is full of "surrealistic visual effects" by Screaming Mad George. When I saw that credit I must admit I chuckled but after finishing the film it works and I can totally get behind it. Like Brad Pitt did for Gwyneth Paltrow get your head out of the box and enjoy this. 3.5/5


Sunday, December 8, 2013

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers' "Alpha's Magical Christmas" (A Shitmas Post from Freddie Young of Full Moon Reviews)

I want to thank Thomas for inviting me to this year's ShitMas celebration. 2013 has already grated me with all this supposed holiday cheer. Annoying Christmas music. Christmas movies where everyone is smiling and laughing. Festive decorations all over the damn place. All this before Thanksgiving! Ugh! So I figured I'd continue to torture by reviewing something related to the 90's phenomenon known as the Power Rangers.

Now don't get me wrong. I friggin' LOVE the Power Rangers. My cousins introduced me to the show during the "Green With Evil" five-part miniseries that introduced Tommy, The Green Ranger, around the start of the first season. I stuck with the show for years, regardless of how cheesy and stupid [the appeal of the show to begin with] the episodes were. Plus, Amy Jo Johnson was super crush-worthy as Kimberly the Pink Ranger.

Oh Amy...

Night Train Murders (A Shitmas Post from Slashers, Starlets, and Sleaze)

Holidays are hell.  It's a scientifically provable fact.  You have to put up with people you don't like and some times even people who don't know who the hell you are.  The weather is shit and you have to blow your cash on empty platitudes and call them “gifts.”  Your father-in-law knows you put zero thought into that tie tack you bought and had that tight little Macy's babe gift wrap so you would have to put as little effort into it as possible, so why frigging pretend it means something?  And God help you poor bastards whose family or significant others have decided that relatives should descend on your home like an unstoppable mongoloid horde.  No, I don't mean mongol... People you don't even like are pissing on your floor, stealing your towels and cookware and doing who knows what on your sheets.  Sure the shit came from Target, Wal Mart, or even the flea market but it's your shit, not theirs. Oh and that tie tack wasn't enough of a tribute for Genghis, because somehow he spilled cranberry sauce on the wall of your den.  The worst though...yes, worse than all the shit I've already mentioned, is the ritual of packing stuff up and traveling like a gypsy from house to house for the holidays.  The lucky ones will perhaps die or become comatose in transit.  The real lucky ones get to sit at home and start drinking, preferably on November 15th and won't stop until January 2nd.  This flick I'm about to take a look at is about some of the unlucky ones that have to go through the trip and all the shit that comes with it...along with rape and murder.  Time to join a couple of Eurobabes on the NIGHT TRAIN MURDERS.