Sunday, December 9, 2012

Reindeer Games (Shitmas Day #9)

Two things have always melted my heart; movies that have anything to do with Christmas and… (sigh) Ben Affleck. In 2000 director John Frankenheimer answered all my prayers by casting the one and only Ben “You the Bomb in Phantoms, Yo” Affleck in his new action Christmas flick Reindeer Games. I think I truly heard Christmas angels sing when I read the news. At the time, Frankenheimer was coming off his huge comeback hit Ronin and Affleck was only three years removed from winning an Oscar and was one of Hollywood’s hottest commodities. What could possibly go wrong right?

Fuck Good Will Hunting! Let’s make a Christmas classic.

The flick opens and we find Rudy Duncan (Ben Affleck) in prison finishing out his last few days of a five year sentence for grand theft auto. He’s spending his final hours doing push ups and listening to his cell mate talk about his hot piece of ass pen pal that’s waiting for him on the outside. The movie could have ended there for me with the sweaty Affleck prison pushups, but through excellent screenplay writing Rudy and his cell mate Nick (James Frain) are set to get out the exact same day. One headed home to his family to start a new life and the other ready to bang a crazy bitch that needs to find love through writing inmates in prison. During one of their last meals Mr. Isaac Hayes points out that there’s roaches in the jello and everyone goes ape shit in the cafeteria. Rudy and Nick try to lie low, but through past bullshit Rudy has pissed off “The Alamo” played by 90’s NFL star Dana Stubblefield and he thinks it’s shank time. The Alamo shanks the hell out of Nick and he ends up dying in Rudy’s arms spouting nonsense about Rudy should chill with his crazy pen pal. What?!?

Ok, it comes time for Rudy to get out of prison and he knows there is pussy on a plate waiting on the other side of that gate. All he has to do is say he’s Nick and that’s what my boy does. Turns out that Ashley (Charlize Theron) the crazy pen pal is hot as fuck. Bonus!! 5 years in prison…yeah, you know what’s up.

Take your time with this picture, you know I did. 

This is the cock blocking part of the movie where Ashley’s brother (Gary Sinise) and his little group of misfits played by Danny Trejo, Donal Logue and Clarence Williams III come in and bust up the Affleck/Theron bangfest. Yeah, that pissed me off too. Come to find out that Rudy got himself into some hot water acting like Nick because that dude use to work at a casino and the bad guys here want his help to rob the joint. So after an ass whipping they convince Rudy to help them, but not before he gives them a list of his demands.

Maybe one of my favorite Affleck lines ever.

Turns out that Gabriel and his boys are only angry truckers that have never robbed shit and they are looking for the big score. Through all this Ashley tries to play all nice to Rudy, but that ho turns out to be Gabriel’s girlfriend. They were setting Nick up the whole time. (jaw dropper) Only if Rudy would have kept his dick in his pants, but nooooooooooooo!

Now with Rudy not being Nick he doesn’t know shit about the casino and only adds to the group’s inexperience. What do they do? Go into the casino dressed as a bunch of Santas. A smooth in and out robbery turns into an uzi filled blood bath with everyone getting killed off except for Rudy, Ashley and Gabriel. At this point things are looking bad for Rudy, but Ashley ends up gunning down Gabriel for the final twist. Affleck is flinching with a wide open mouth throughout this entire scene. This is acting at its best here people!!

Mmmmm, Affleck. 

Oh yeah, the twist!! Wait, out of the shadows comes the real Nick who set the whole shit up and Ashley turns out to be Millie, Nick’s real girlfriend. Charlize Theron was a straight up dirty ho in this flick. Hypnotizing dudes with her hotness.

So, Nick and Ashley tie up Rudy behind the wheel of a car and plan to push his sexy ass over a cliff killing off the last of the casino robbing Santas, so they can get away home free with all the funds. Affleck’s like “Fuck That” and cuts his ropes, hot wires the car and goes all Captain Cool on us with the line “Rule one! Never put a car thief behind the wheel!” With that he crushes Nick and hits Millie with the car. Yes, that evil, hot fucking bitch finally gets hers. That just leaves Rudy and bags and bags of money. What does he do? He just walks home placing wads of money in random mailboxes until he gets home and finally gets his goddamn hot chocolate and a piece of pecan fucking pie.

Reindeer Games turned out to be John Frankenheimer’s last feature-length theatrical film before he passed away in 2002. I hope his memory is honored here with Reindeer Games being a part of Shitmas 2: Holiday Killaloo. He was able to merge Affleck’s charm and sexiness with Christmas songs, Santa suits, Charlize Theron’s tits, Danny Trejo and machine guns. Come on, who wouldn’t love that?

Oh…and remember those sweaty Affleck prison pushups.

It’s weird…. I’m really not sure why my girlfriend doesn’t like watching Affleck movies with me.

Merry Christmas!!
Jeff -

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