Saturday, December 22, 2012

Die Hard 2: Die Harder (Shitmas Day #22)

Let me preface this by saying that Die Hard 2 doesn’t even come close to being a shitty movie. In fact, it is an awesome follow up to the original and one of my favorites of the Christmas season. I mean who doesn’t love a little bloodshed during the holiday season? Here we go... Welcome back to the party pals!

The last time we saw John McClane he was busy throwing that piece of eurotrash Hans Gruber off of Nakatomi Tower. We are quickly reintroduced to McClane as he is busy dealing with a punk ass cop at Dulles International Airport who wants to give him a ticket and tow the car because McClane happened to park in the wrong area while trying to pick his wife up from her flight. If I were McClane I would have said fuck it, tow the car, it’s my mother-in-law’s anyway. I mean seriously, who gives a shit about their mother-in-law’s car? Anyway, McClane can’t talk his way out of this shit and has to settle for the ticket and the car being towed.

We are then quickly introduced to our baddies, General Esperanza and Colonel Stuart. Now this is where the story gets steamy, if you’re into naked dudes doing tai chi in their hotel room. The introduction of William Sadler’s Colonel Stuart has to rank up there with one of the best intros of a character ever put on film. I mean “cum” on! Right Tom?

We are then treated to a little conversation between McClane and his wife and even a brief exchange with Colonel Stuart. Quickly we are whisked away to a small church near the airport where the occupant gets wasted by dudes dressed up like electric company workers, one of which is played Meat from Porky’s. Come on Meat, I enjoyed you more when you were running around with your dick out.

As this is all going on, McClane notices some shady shit going on in the airport and tries to inform some nearby cops, one of which is the asshole who towed his car. Well there goes any help from law enforcement. I guess McClane will have to do this on his own and let’s face it, that’s what we all want. A reporter notices Colonel Stuart and asks if she can have a few words. He replies in true badass form, “You can have two. Fuck and You.” God that is so awesome. I have searched for the appropriate time to say that to someone, but it has never presented itself. A guy can have dreams can’t he?

So McClane follows some baddies to the luggage area and all hell breaks loose. It’s everything you’ve grow to love when John McClane gets involved. Gunfire, cussing, golf clubs, and one dead asshole. Way to go John, you are the fucking man. The next thing you know, we find out that the biggest asshole from the original Die Hard is on the plane with Holly McClane. No, Hans or Karl didn’t come back from the dead... It’s Dick Thornburg and he now has a restraining order against Holly for that devastating hook she landed at the end of the last film. What an asshole that guy is.

So at this point Colonel Stuart has set up his headquarters in the church where Meat popped a cap in some old ass guy and McClane has been ushered off to Dennis Franz’ office. Yeah he’s playing a cop, I know it’s a stretch huh. Captain Lorenzo is a huge asshole as well. Are there any cops at this airport other than McClane that aren’t assholes and can identify a Glock 7? I mean come on! I guess the lead in their asses or the shit in their brains prevents them from being good cops. McClane grabs some prints from the dead bad guy and faxes them over to his boy, Sergeant Al Powell, to check them out. Damn I love that guy. At least he is comfortable in his office back in L.A., eating Twinkies (RIP), and not getting his car turned into swiss cheese. The bad guy’s prints turn up information saying the guy is already dead. This is where insurance companies are going to start going bankrupt.

Colonel Stuart seizes control of the control tower thanks to John Leguizamo and much to the dismay of politician/actor Fred Thompson. Attention Dulles Tower, you are about to be fucked. Out go the runway lights, no backup systems work, and there is no way to communicate with the planes overhead. Colonel Stuart demands that General Esperanza’s plane be diverted to a isolated runway and that another plane be fueled up so they can make their escape later.

As you can expect, panic grips the control room and after numerous f-bombs they decide to send a group of guys over to the annex skywalk to take advantage of equipment that can communicate to the planes circling the airport. McClane gets thrown into an elevator with a reporter and makes an escape into the elevator shaft. Another basement, another elevator... How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice? As the assholes in the control tower continue to scramble to make contact with planes, McClane meets up with a maintenance guy by the name of Marvin who leads him to the annex skywalk aka a great place for an ambush.

The control tower SWAT team led by Leslie Barnes finally arrives to the annex skywalk and... Wait a minute? Did I just see... Nah, that couldn’t have been Robert Patrick! Why yes it is! The sitting duck SWAT team is dispatched, but McClane arrives just in time to waste a handful of bad guys and rescue Barnes. Too bad the antenna array they were trying to tap into explodes, now McClane is going to have to do things the hard way.

Colonel Stuart gets pissed because of the attempt to restore the airport’s systems and ends up in a “who’s got the bigger dick” conversation with McClane. The conversation culminates in Stuart crashing a plane into the runway, which only serves to really piss off McClane. The next thing you know, the army has been called and a counter-terrorist team is brought in. The leader of this group is Major Grant, who is played by the awesome John Amos. You may recognize him from Goodtimes and Coming to America. Meanwhile on Holly’s plane, Dick Thornburg is up to his sleazy ways and is attempting to find out what’s going on in the airport below them.

Well someone finally grows a brain in the control tower, as Barnes figures out that they can use the outer marker to speak with the planes above. This is where Dick Thornburg earns some more douchebag stripes. He intercepts the transition coming from the outer marker and jumps into action to report the situation. As this is going on ten thousand feet above him, John McClane meets up again with Marvin looking for directions to a private meeting room where the army are receiving a briefing. Turns out Marvin has found an unlocked walkie talkie, which allows McClane to hear conversations within Col. Stuarts group. Try to keep up, shit starts happening at a fast pace from here on out.

General Esperanza has escaped his shackles and has taken control of the plane. A quick conversation with Colonel Stuart and Esperanza is on his way to landing on runway 25 right. Too bad for him McClane is on his way there as well. It takes him a bit due to those damn cigarettes, but he gets there and throws down with Esperanza. Freedom General Esperanza? Not yet! McClane ends up trapped in the plane surrounded by Stuart and his men who eventually turn the damn thing into swiss cheese. I guess McClane finally knows how Powell felt back at Nakatomi. But it gets worse. McClane has to deal with a shitload of grenades. I bet you’re wondering, how the hell is he going to get out of this one? Well, that’s what ejection seats are for my friends. As the grenades explode, McClane is catapulted into the air and escapes. What a great fucking scene!

After a fight between McClane and Major Grant, Barnes informs McClane that Stuart’s men can’t be too far away from the airport. The two trudge out into the snow to try to locate them. Eventually they find the church and shit hits the fan again. McClane ends up killing a guy by stabbing him in the eye with a fucking icicle and the army is on their way thanks to a phone call by Barnes. A firefight ensues and our bad guys escape on snowmobiles. I know what you’re thinking... A snowmobile chase? Oh yeah! McClane shoots a guy, steals his snowmobile, and goes after them. The chase ends up with McClane attempting the jump a tractor trailer, but the snowmobile gets shot and explodes under him. Good lord, I think I need to change my pants.

After clearing his head from all of the ridiculous action that just took place, McClane realizes Grant and Stuart were both using blanks during the firefight. Holy shit! The army guys are bad! This is only reinforced by them killing a new member to their group by slitting his throat. If only that had could have been Dick Thornburg, who is currently above the airport broadcasting transmissions from the tower about the terrorist activity. This only causes a huge panic in the airport. Way to go, DICK. Enter Holly McClane to save the day. She barges into the airplane bathroom and hits Thornburg with a stun gun. Holly for the win!

McClane is running around with Dennis Franz and realizes that the cop who gave him the ticket earlier in the movie is his brother. The reporter from earlier is grabbed by McClane and the next thing you know he is airborne in a helicopter chasing down Staurt, Esperanza, and Grant who are making their escape by plane. I know what you’re thinking, this is going to be good. McClane ends up jumping on the damn wing of the plane and jams the aileron with a jacket. Major Grant steps out on the wing and throws down with McClane. Yeah, like this is going to go well for him considering McClane has killed almost everything that has moved in two films. Grant eventually gets thrown into one of the plane’s engines, leaving Colonel Stuart as the only guy left to deal with McClane.

Sturt throws McClane off of the wing, but not before McClane grabs the fuel release. Oh yeah, you know where this is headed. As the plane slowly ascends, McClane throws a lighter onto the fuel trailing behind the plane and... BOOM! Up goes the plane in one of the most spectacular explosions ever put on film, Yippee Ki Yay Motherfuckers! Happy trails Esperanza and Stuart. Eventually all of the planes high in the sky above the airport use the explosion as a guide to land and Holly is reunited with McClane. All is well until... Well I’m sure most of you know the rest of the story.

Die Hard 2 is one of my favorite films and a must watch at Christmas every year. It has action, blood, explosions, snow, snowmobiles. I mean what is there not to fucking like? Name me another movie with all of that awesomeness packed into a 2 hour run time. You can’t do it. Unfortunately the Die Hard series took a turn from the Christmas theme after this entry, so this is the last I will be speaking of the exploits of John McClane for The 25 Days of Shitmas. Stay tuned next year when I deliver my epic review of Lethal Weapon. I wish you all the best this holiday season and if you find yourself with a little down time pop in Die Hard 2. What the hell, right? It’s Christmas!

- Steve Johnson

1 comment:

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