Saturday, December 1, 2012

A Christmas Story 2 (25 Days of Shitmas Day #1)

A Christmas Story 2.
The direct to DVD sequel.

I really should end it there. I mean, the entire article should be done right then and there. In fact, this very article wouldn't even happen. But, tis the season for giving. And I proudly give to you, my review of the sin called...

 
"The Official Sequel". In case you couldn't tell by the fact that it says "A Christmas Story 2". 

If you're reading this site or ya know, human, I won't insult your intelligence by glazing over the plot of the original Christmas Story. Quite frankly everyone on this planet knows the story of Raphie and his quest for the Red Rider BB Gun more than they know about their own childhood. What kid couldn't relate to wanting that one toy that they absolutely HAD to have. And in between all hoping and anticipation was the wackiness and insanity that any holiday entails. In fact, I dare say, Ralphie's family may have been the best depiction of a family in movie history. Amazing that a simple movie that reminds us of our own childhoods can become such a huge deal.

Such a huge deal, in fact, that Warner Brothers decided to make a sequel. Yes. 29 years after it's initial release. Yes, despite the fact we get a 24 hour marathon that is absolutely mandatory to be viewed during Christmas, apparently a new chapter had to be written. Now, most people argue that "My Summer Story" WAS the sequel. But NAY, says the great and powerful WB! Apparently we need...NEED to know what happens to Ralphie and his awesomely wacky family as he gets older. Indeed, this movie takes place just a few years after the original and at this point in time the charm is gone and there's hardly (if any) resemblance to any characters from the original. But, the biggest problem with this movie, is it has very...verrrrrry little to do with Christmas and more with Ralphie just wanting a car. In fact, Christmas doesn't really enter the story until about halfway through the movie. Yep.

The movie splinters into a few different subplots (much like the original. Surprise.). Ralphie's quest for his dream car being the main one. Another story involved Ralphie falling in love with his dream girl, Trucilla. As you can tell, she sounds like a winner. But the holiday themed festivities don't end there. The Old Man, stuck in his old ways, comes to terms with his cheapness. A highlight was watching the Old Man battle with his old nemesis, the furnace in the deadly basement. There's other subplots that eventually all run together and steal jokes from the original and are not worth mentioning.

The Twatty Trio. 

The cast is pretty forgettable. To be fair, they tried everything they could to try and make it work. Some actors/actresses are actually not bad. But, most just attempted to parrot what they saw in the original and come off as pure nuisances. As far as familiar characters, the gang's all here. Not one person from the original returns, but the characters are back. Flick, Schwartz, Ralphie's mom and kid brother Randy. All return, all horribly acted by awful actors. Sadly, Scut Farkus does NOT return. With the trend in this movie of recycling jokes, Flick's famous flagpole-lick was rehashed. This time in the delivery room of department store Higbees. i don't want to post pictures, but...oh well...we've made it this far...

(I'M SORRY)


I don't know what I witnessed but I'm pretty sure I wasn't meant to see it. The most ambitious gag was ruined by it's sheer stupidity. In fact I'm pretty sure Tom Savini is sharpening an ax with the producers names on it.

A few other notes about a few cast members:

The Narrator. The Narrator in this tries his best impression of Jean Sheppard, the narrator of the original. And he doesn't do horrible, he actually does a good job impersonating of Jean. Although it does get annoying after a while. But then again, this movie is annoying all over.

"I'm gonna go get laid...yeah!" 

Ralphie. Teenage Ralphie isn't a bad depiction and he tries to make it his own as well as imitate Peter Billingsly. He kinda maintained that pure innocence that a young Ralphie had in the original but, again, it's not his fault if he comes off annoying at times. It's the fact that THIS MOVIE GOT MADE.

Much like Bill Murray, it's time to set this cow out to pasture. 

The Old Man. Apparently the selling point. Veteran goofball actor (most would say a cornerstone of the Zany Funster community) Daniel Stern presents his worst performance ever. Yes. I said that. Never thought I would say that.(although I never thought I'd be reviewing a movie called "A Christmas Story 2"). But holy cow. It gets painful at times. Many remember Darren McGavin as the cursing father who shakes his fist at that bastard of an evil Furnace. Hilarious stuff, right? Well, Daniel Stern *tries* to do the same thing (a continuing trend) and fell flat on his face. He brings nothing to the character or movie. And it's a darn shame, he really could have saved this movie. Instead he just comes off as an oafish moron. Not even in a good way, like Marv from Home Alone. No. More like Dave Coulier. Yeah. Totally Dave Coulier level of a performance.

Hooo...Hooo...NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! 

Santa Claus. The big man himself. The most interesting casting choice. Garry Chalke, famous voice of Optimus Primal, He-Man (in the 1990 revival series), Metal Head from GI Joe, and even the Sheriff in Freddy Vs. Jason. Garry playing Santa would've been the highlight, until he delivers the famous "Hooo...Hooo...Hoooo.". Yep. More rehashing from an actor who is capable of delivering something that could save the movie. Another interesting side note, Garry also appeared in the straight to DVD sequel of Christmas Vacation, Christmas Vacation 2. He just hasn't had the best luck of late.

No words. Just...no words... 

Any attempt at saving the movie was shot down before it was attempted. I really wanted to keep an open mind and give it a fair shake, but it wasn't going to happen. The acting was bad, bad bad. Watching porn for the acting would be a better idea. In fact, some of the acting in this piece of garbage actually comes off like acting in a bad porno.

So there you have it. Not much of a write up in a positive light but after watching this, you'll understand my reasoning for being angry. In fact, getting through all 90 minutes (I think. I didn't pay attention to the time. I was too busy pulling whatever hair out that was left on my bald head as I screen cap these turds.) makes me straight up furious at life. It's enough to make me want to start smoking cigarettes again. If the movie was made with original jokes and new characters, maybe it would've been better. But, nope. This Canadian produced trash-fest was doomed from the second it was announced. Nobody making this movie honestly could make this work. In fact, what they made was a movie that would rival watching me clip my toenails in terms of excitement and entertainment.

If you really hate your friends and family, then this is the perfect gift to stuff in a stocking. In fact, if you wish to give clinical depression to anyone in your life, this is your answer. Hate your boss and wish to get fired? This. Have a psycho ex-girlfriend still on your jock? This will get rid of her. That crazy uncle in your family that always shows up at random places telling you "Go get 'em slugger!"? He'll get the idea.

Now, go ahead...after watching this, you may as well shoot your eye out...


( Our first review was courtesy of Chad E. Young, thanks again for helping to kick off the Shitmas Season! )

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