Saturday, October 27, 2012

The 15 Metal-est Metal Songs of ALL TIME...maybe recently posted their 11-Greatest-Metal-Songs-of-All-Time. That article dropped like a turd in a toilet bowl and the splashback was disgusting. Sounds that can only be described as a "deer chocking on it's own tick infested shit" were uttered under my breath while I read it. To say the list was terrible is like saying Glenn Danzig has a Napoleonic Complex. The statement is a matter of fact, not opinion. Now "best of" lists are usually contentious. That is why I like them. The good ones spark debate and can even be enlightening (expanding my generally short sighted musical horizons), but the lambgoat list just ignited a hatred inside of me that is usually reserved for members of the House of Representative's Ethics Committee or Kanye West. After much internal whining (which gave way to intense brain bleeding) I compiled my own list of greatest metal songs. Lambgoat's list went to 11 (get it? GET IT? Now go kill yourself) so I one-upped them and made mine an even 15. Of course you won't agree on all 15. That isn't the point. Just sound off in the comment section below or on our ever-popular facebook page (the 'tweens love it!) and tell me how wrong I am. And definitely tell me if you can do better.

So, get your studs and spikes on and raise those Cheetos crusted devil horns because Shit Movie Fest Presents: "The Top 15 Metal-est Metal Songs of ALL TIME...maybe".


15. Obituary - Slowly We Rot
Dirty, grimey and ugly; Slowly We Rot is a death metal/grindcore hybrid that also owes a lot to Black Sabbath. Like many of the songs on this list Slowly We Rot is fast, fun and made for stupid people to repeatedly head bang to (aka a perfect metal song).

14. High on Fire - Rumors of War
There are three things that High of Fire's singer/guitarist Matt Pike hates; shirts, clean guitars and your fucking face! High on Fire are a modern day Motorhead; with the combined influences or the best metal styles since Lemmy's gang first made waves in the 80s.

13. Danzig - Godless
Godless is pure "I hate you Mom" power. This is when Danzig was dark, bluesy and somewhat thoughtful. Godless is all about the simple, dirgey build up and fist pumping pay off.

12. Iron Maiden - The Trooper
Quick, catchy and makes you look like an idiot while playing air guitar. The Trooper is an incredible song although a bit corny, which basically describes Maiden's entire career.

11. Black Sabbath - Sign of the Southern Cross
Ronnie James Dio has been in more great bands than any front man in rock and roll. His elfish visage is a stamp of quality on the back of any record, but Sign of the Southern Cross is Dio at his best. It helps that the band backing him, Tony Iommi, Geezer Butler and Vinny Appice are also at the top of their game. This song is the Anthem-of-Anthems.

10. Deicide - Mephistopheles
A pure death metal song; faster than a '69 Mustang and more brutal than a Hessian mercenary high on bath salts. What separates Mephistopheles apart from similarly great death metal songs is the catchiness of the riff. It is one of death metals most memorable and would be the genre's watershed moment if the next song didn't come along.

9. Decapitated - Sphere's of Madness
Decapitated has been described as a technical death metal band and although their technique is flawless these Polish long hairs ooze soul and groove. Not as much as James Brown's backing band, but for a bunch of pasty faced metal Orcs these guys sure can write a toe-tapper!

8. Pantera - I'm Broken
Decapitated owe a lot to Pantera as do pretty much every metal band after 1994, except Dillinger Escape Plan because they are just TOO COOL and suck. Regardless, Pantera was a game changer in the 90s and this is a shining example of their southern fried metal.

7. Merciful Fate - Into the Coven
Someone described King Diamond's music as "the whitest music ever made". I can describe it a little more accurately. Merciful Fate, the band Mr. Diamond fronts, are the sonic equivalent of a knight in King Arthur's Court fucking a Dragon while eating a sorcerer, who was about to seduce a coven of witches, who were about to curse an entire English Village because their guitars weren't FUCKING LOUD ENOUGH!

6. Mastodon - Blood and Thunder
Thank God (or Cthulhu or Hedorah or whatever) for Mastodon. The early aughts were a pretty shitty time for music (remember Hoobastank!), but Mastodon made it all better. Blood and Thunder may be a relatively new song on this list, but it sits alongside classics from Metallica, Slayer and Motorhead as an absolute metal classic.

5. Slayer - Skeletons of Society
Not Slayer's fastest song or most SLAAAAAYER song, but Skeletons of Society shows off their songwriting and is just so goddamn cooool.

4. Metallica - Creeping Death
The further down the list, the less I have to say about each song since they start speaking for themselves. Creeping Death is a giant song; a symphony of riffs, chants, guitar leads and biblical references. The song sends the listener on a perfectly visualized journey and shows once and for all that the Old Testament is pretty metal.

3. Black Sabbath - Jack the Stripper/Faeries Wear Boots
The entire Paranoid album is a masterpiece culminating in Faeries Wear Boots. Everything in that album is represented in this song; a hard jazz intro, spacey guitar solos and a fucking riff that can move mountains. Geezer even let Ozzy write the lyrics on this one, which makes them the record's most personal. Granted, they are a little juvenile (to put it nicely), but when "smoking and tripping is all that you do....YEEEEAAAAH!"

2. Motorhead - Overkill
Motorhead's Overkill is one false ending after another. Its like playing "just the tip" with a Whitechapel Street Hag. At some point her desire will boil over and she will bite your face off. Struggling to break free her seasoned genitals will lock onto you like a vice. You aren't going anywhere (whether you like it or not). And although death is imminent, at the moment you are having the time of your life.

1. Judas Priest - Living After Midnight
Living After Midnight is not just a song, but a calling. Thank you Mr. Halford for showing us the light (even if that light is just the shine off of your well polished studs).

I hope you had fun rocking out and please direct all of your hate mail to our in-house Sarlacc:



  1. Great fuckin list man! Godless is so underrated that nobody ever talks about it... I mean, think about that shit too. Danzig has got some songs that are so kickass, and yet, never get a mention here nor there. Great to see you acknowledge. His song Bodies, is another one.

  2. Thanks dude. The first three Danzig records are flawless. the Thrall-demon-whatever-whatever Live EP was pretty great too.

  3. What about Danzig's "Black Aria" I loved that shit! Too bad UR "Neighbor" Eddie Trunk can't disgorge his fat ass off that faggoty "Hard Rock" category making "That Metal Show"" nearly unwatchable! All the comics&bands he has are cool, but reruns of "Beavis & Butthead" have a heavier soundtrack

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