Wednesday, December 14, 2011

We Wish You A Turtle Christmas (25 Days of Shitmas Day #14)


Back in 1989 when I was about seven years old the most important thing to me besides WWF Wrestling was The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I liked the TV shows & toys of G.I. Joe, He-Man, and the "Real" Ghostbusters . . .
But for me the Turtles were the reigning kings of my free time after school and on the weekends. Between the cartoon being on every day, playing and never beating the super hard NES game, and the hundreds of toys they put on the market I would beg my parents to buy. When the first movie came out in 1990 it was the biggest thing going, BIGGER than even my own birthday (which was four days prior). I remember going to see it with Dad the weekend it came out and a couple times down the shore that summer because the $1 theaters were still running it. When the second T.M.N.T. movie came out I was maybe even more excited then I was for the first film. I remember my Uncle Bob agreed to take me to see it that weekend, but when we got to the AMC 10 it was Sold Out! (heartbreaking) . . .

Have no fear though, cause my uncle thought seeing "Defending Your Life" starring Albert Brooks was better than seeing nothing at all that night lol. Don't get me wrong that is a great and smartly made movie, but not when you are 9, I think every joke went way over my head, and it wasn't until I caught it recently on cable that I saw it for the brilliant movie it was. After getting to see the second movie a week later, I think it was then that I had reached my peak of "Turtlemania", either that or maybe I was just pissed off my favorite character Casey Jones was M.I.A.!
It was around that time that I remember broadening my horizons more when it came to music and movies. Action movies such as "Terminator 2", "Out For Justice", and "The Last Boy Scout" combined with my budding love for Horror Slasher Films such as The Elm Street and Child's Play series began my era of only seeking out R-Rated features films, or at least the ones my parents would actually agree to rent for me. I was so indifferent in seeing the 3rd Turtle film when it came out in 1993 that I skipped the theatrical release altogether and rented it when it finally hit VHS. Beside the return of Casey Jones, I knew the movie was total shit. And just like that a big part of my childhood was over, "Turtle soup" as Shredder would say! Save for having a great deal of nostalgia for the first movie when it comes on HBO every once in awhile or having "Ninja Rap" by Vanilla Ice on my iPod . . .

The Turtles haven't really popped up very often in my mind or in conversation, but when we had our monthly Shit Movie Fest Party this past Sunday and James K. brought "We Wish You A Turtle Christmas!"as his "Mystery Film" I gotta admit my jaw just about dropped!
I remember them doing a live tour with "Rock Stars", but had no clue that this monstrosity existed! It was released direct to video in 1994 and has a running time of 25 minutes . . .
25 Minutes of High Octane Nightmare Fuel! Nothing feels right about this video, for one the costumes are all wrong, the Turtles look like crackheads, they walk around the city, no longer hiding in the shadows afraid of being spotted, and they have teeth! They keep thier whole mouth full of shinny white open in the whole feature. Yikes!


There are so many disturbing undertones and borderline racist moments in this that when later in that same day when we watched "Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song" we thought that it was tame in comparison.

A song where Donatello sings in a fake Jamaican/Rastafarian accent, while Leo wraps Christmas lights around himself is one of the most bizarre thing I have seen in a long time . . .


"The Wrap Rap" takes the cake as the Worst Christmas and/or Rap Song Known To Man . . .


And their version of the "12 Days of Christmas" is so bad they openly mock it during the end credits
(Maybe the best part of the whole show, besides it just meaning it's over!)

To hear this beauty go HERE and skip to the 2:30 Minute Mark. And yes, incase you were wondering, that is Master Splinter. I just think someone left him in the dryer a little too long!

12 April O' Neil Autographs . . .
11 pairs of sneakers . . .
10 yellow yo-yos . . .
9 narrow neckties . . .
8 chopsticks . . .
7 silk kimonos . . .
6 frisbees . . .
5 video games . . .
4 manhole covers . . .
3 skateboards. . .
2 comic books . . .
...and a pizza with pep-per-on-i!

But without a doubt my favorite thing in this whole production is the kid on in-line skates in the back . . .
Just watch how many times he wipes out! Ouch lol


If you are a glutton for punishment like I am, by all means track this one down or watch it below in 3 Parts on Youtube.
(Part One)


(Part TWO)

(Part Three)



I can't believe I went 17 years of my life not knowing about this shit. Oh how different my life may have turned out if only I knew of the Wrap Rap when I was 12 . . .

- Tom Bryce
http://www.facebook.com/ShitMovieFest

3 comments:

  1. I wonder if there are any Medical Studies linked to children needing therapy in the 90s due to this Video!

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