Christmas is not necessarily the Holiday that you would expect a horror nerd to love. Halloween, sure but Christmas? It is a holiday that is generally based off a crack pot religion that even if you follow makes no sense as according to history books(I use that term lightly) is nowhere near that hippies birthday. Consumerism is another reason that many are turned off by this holiday and while I think that there is no need to mace a bitch for an X Box it sure is funny reading about. My point which is hidden in my drunk ramblings is I don't give a shit. I can ignore all that and just enjoy. The things I enjoy the most are the drinks(shocking), the movies(so many classics) and finding friends the most insanely awesome and disturbing gifts I can. I am like a drunk evil Santa which I guess means I kinda am just Santa. Well I will put down this drink and get on with it. Santa's Slay, one of the more modern films on my yearly watch list.
A small town named Hell is just your basic place, at least that is what it seems like on the surface. Santa's Slay starts with one of the best openings this side of Brinke Steven's vagina. A room full of irritating TV personalities including The Nanny, a reaper and one of the worst SNL alum ever. Well have no fear. They all get the shit killed out of them in amazing ways. Jewish throwing stars or carved like a turkey, doesn't matter. I promise you will love watching these assholes get their comeuppance. The fact that the opening is so god damn good is one of the downfalls of the film. It starts off with such a bang that it has a hard time keeping steam through the rest of the film but I will deal with that later.
I am not going to go much into the "plot" as it doesn't matter. This is a movie you will wanna watch every year while you wrap up your horror props for friends and drink your ski lifts. I do however want to talk about the cast and characters. I already went into the opening but it just continues its awesome. Bill Goldberg is cast as Santa which is about as believable as Tom Cruise being cast as a Samurai while almost being as offensive as that time James Earl Jones was "accidentally" given a plaque with James Earl Rays name on it. The Australian chick from Lost plays a gun loving girl who listens to the best Christmas Hip Hop outside of Snoops Twas the night before Christmas. We also have Dave Thomas(not the Wendy's one) trading in his took for a bible and some love for the local titty bar. You will recognize many faces and the characters in this are for the most part pretty amazing. You have a super old bitch ass bitch who outside of her hilarious swearing is much deserved with her fate of being ran over by a rein ox. There are plenty more faces you will most definitely want to meet but I gotta save some for the two of you that haven't seen this.
Is Santa's Slay perfect? God no. It has more puns and references than Guts and Grog Reviews and is a Christmas tradition that I will continue till my liver collapses but not all the jokes work. Enough do though, and it is the best thing Brett Ratner has put his name on and thank god he didn't ruin a franchise with this one. Get out your bottle, invite some friends over and have a Merry Fucking Christmas.