Friday, December 2, 2011

Santa Claws (25 Days of Shitmas Day #2)

Later tonight I am seeing "Silent Night, Deadly Night" on 35mm, which in my opinion is the best of the "Killer Santa Slashers". So today, before I go see that, I decided to take a look back at a not so well known entry in the Christmas Horror film sub-genre.

Before we start, I want you to think of the lowest budget movie you have ever seen . . .
Ok now slash that in half, add a couple gardening tools, blow up dolls, strippers, and a cheap looking santa suit and your end result may turn out looking something like "Santa Claws"!
Made in 1996 but not released on a video until 1998 and DVD till 2006, Santa Claws is definitely one of the most awkward movies that will be featured as part of "The 25 Days of Shitmas"

It stars B-Movie favorite Debbie Rochon as a semi-retired porn starlet named "Raven Quinn" (who I must add is quite the looker) and Grant Kramer plays "Wayne" her neighbor and only confidant who just so happens to be an obsessive fan of hers.
Odd fact . . . Now even though (IMDB) has Grant Cramer (New Year's Evil and Killer Klowns From Outer Space) listed in the credits as "Wayne", but I assure you he's not in this. Somebody should fix that for him. It might be costing him some jobs.

The back story we get about Wayne is very similar to the movie "Christmas Evil" where a young kid catches his Mom making it with Santa and snaps. Only unlike Harry he ends up killing both of them with a gun while they are in bed. After that we are treated to a bizarre title sequences featuring nothing but olde tyme stock footage of kids playing in the snow and families gathering for holiday dinners. The movie then moves to the more modern setting of the 1990s, with all that bad fashion that is actually making somewhat of a comeback these days. It could very well take place right now. The porn studio where Raven works is busy shooting a new movie they hope to have finished in time for X-mas (talk about fast turnaround), there's a girl dancing rather badly as she takes her clothes off, and the studio head is being interviewed by the news saying stuff that would make Larry Flynt blush. Intercut with that scene Wayne is seen home receiving a package in the mail . . .

It's a sex doll of Raven!
strike that . . . a Dance Doll of Raven!

A while later Raven tells Wayne that she got a offer to "star" in a new porn feature, and asks if she could drop her kids off at Wayne's house, while she meet with the director ('Mom of the Year' material if I must say so) . . .
All this sends him over the edge (never mind the parent killings and sex doll dance party) cause he doesn't want to have to share his "love" with the rest of the sleazebag fans out there.
So he gets an idea about how to stop the production . . . Start killing people with a small garden rake!
Sadly Wayne doesn't don a Santa Suite til the very end of the movie, but to show how crazy his is Wayne spray paints the suit black . . . that's just Crazy Man!

After killing off all of Raven's friends and co-workers Wayne is sad to find out that she wanted to make the movie because she really needed the money. So he then tries to kill her. . .
This is a picture of all that epicness in case you were wondering.

Santa Claws is one of those 'so bad it needs to be witnessed to be believed' kinda of movies, but with the right group of friends and a case of beer the film would probably go over very well.
There's a good amount of unintentional laughs, boobs, and general weird shit going on that Santa Claws is worth tracking down and adding to your holiday movie viewing list this year.
I remember seeing it for cheap at F.Y.E. a couple years ago, but they no longer have any copies at the one in Philly. I watched this bad boy off of Netflix just to get it in, but wouldn't mind owning my own copy for preservation sake!

BTW this cover is full of lies. The movie never has this Badass Santa Skelton from the box art in it!

-Tom Bryce


  1. Do you think we can start a Class Action Law Suite?

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