Thursday, December 1, 2011

Jingle All The Way (25 Days of Shitmast Day #1)

When the first trailer for the U.S. Remake of "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" leaked last summer it was dubbed "The Feel-bad Movie of Christmas."
While that may be the case, there is one film I always associate with how Christmas brings the worse out of people and that film is . . .
Released as a fun family comedy in 1996, The Arnold Schwarzenegger movie "Jingle All The Way" fails in so many ways at being a family film or comedy that it makes you wonder if that is what the filmmakers were even going for in the first place!
This movie features Greed, Adultery, Stealing, Racism, Terrorist Activities, BlackMarket Santas, and abuse of a Drunk Reindeer . . . Oh and make no mistake, I love every minute of it!

As "Howard Langston" Schwarzenegger plays an all around doucher, who spends little time at home with his wife Liz and son Jamie (played by Mrs. Tom Hanks and young Anakin Skywalker respectfully) and misses out on all the kid's Karate belt ceremonies!
To not let his son down once again, Howard must find that year's most coveted toy "TurboMan" on the day before Christmas, even though he told his wife Liz he picked one up months ago. Howard doesn't realize how hard that's going to be and how many obstacles and run-ins with the law he has to face for him to find this stupid Power Ranges Knockoff!

Howard fights crowds in a mad rush, stomping whoever gets in his way, only to be openly mocked by store employees for his cluelessness on all things Turboman.
I'm not trying to touch your kids . . . I just want to see their Balls!

Along the way Howard meets up with another Dad facing the same dilemma, a insane MailMan named Myron played by the one and only Sinbad!
Remember him?

Sometimes the two Dads team up, on the hunt for the same cheap red piece of plastic, but most of the times it turns into Spy vs. Spy shenanigans between them.
They sabotage each other by using everything from marbles to homemade mail bombs. It's the cartoon aspect of the film that works best.

Speaking of cartoons, Phil Hartman shows up as "Ted", a sleazy neighbor of Howard who has the hots for his wife Liz.
The best way to describe Ted is he's Ned" Flanders from The Simpsons, but instead of actually being a nice and helpful guy he's trying to bang your wife! Everything this guy does had a motive to it and that is to make Howard look bad so, he can bang his wife. What a Toolbag!

The climax of the movie finds Howard and Myron battling it out at a Christmas Parade with Howard dressed as TurboMan and Sinbad as his arch nemesis Dementor.

The action is all so silly it has to be seen to be believed. The danger these guys put each other through is mind-boggling and in the end, even though one of them ends up with the toy, do they really think their kid will care about it by next week? Spoiled little brats . . .
So this movie is not for everybody, but I always appreciate it for going a different route with the holiday fare and focusing on the 'True Evil Underbelly of Christmas' . . . Consumerism!

PS before I end this post, I just want to give Mad Props to the UnSung Hero of this movie . . .
The Reindeer in this Clip . . .

Man can you take a punch, I'd drink with you anytime ReinDeer Ted!

-Tom Bryce

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